Changes
by LexxieG
Summary: It's Maya's junior year at Degrassi, and everything seems to be falling into place. She's making friends, booking gigs, and getting a band together. The only thing holding her back is her boyfriend, Zig. When a strange turn of events pushes Miles back into her life, will she realize she deserves better and finally move on?
1. Chapter 1

Maya had tackled another day at Degrassi, and surprisingly, she was pretty okay with it. Sure, just because it was a new year didn't mean that there weren't the same occurrences of bullying, harassment, and the occasional bomb threat or lockdown, but Maya had friends here now- her very own friends. She wasn't in the mood to have everything screwed up for her.

After running downstairs and popping her prescription anxiety medication into her mouth, she knew she was getting better. She took one every night and it helped immensely. It wasn't just the medication that was helping Maya- her mindset was turning around since the slow crash and burn that happened last year, ending with panic attacks, visions and night terrors. Maya was quite embarrassed about her behavior last year- her new thing had seemed to become helping people. The need to help everyone was rooted deep into her brain ever since the passing of Cam, but quite frankly, she was ashamed of it. No one seemed to appreciate the help she tried to give them, aside of Miles, but he wasn't someone she regularly spoke to anymore.

More than anything else, even eclipsing the importance of tackling her anxiety, was her music. When Maya had her mind set on something, she was determined enough to achieve whatever it was that she wanted. Besides the talent she had been born with and the title of a prodigy, she now had experience. She knew where the good gigs were, how to get on the good side of the music producers, but also knew when to put her foot down if someone was being unfair. In short, Maya wanted to beat her anxiety to the ground and never see it again. All it did was trap her in a box that made success in the music industry seem miles away. With her anxiety gone, Maya had a newfound sense of confidence, and had gained all of her old ambitions back again to boot.

She had just begun to cap her pill bottle when she heard a knock on the door, which jolted her out of her thoughts completely. Her mind had been with her music, reflecting on her last gig and how many people had come to watch. Unfortunately, that meant she had forgotten that her boyfriend was coming over.

Answering the door for Zig, Maya looked up and smiled brightly as he came into view. "Do I know you?" she joked with a giggle, stepping aside so he could enter before shutting the door. "Oh, I've got it! You're the groupie from my last performance who hung out with my mom the whole time. I feel absolutely humbled in your presence."

Her boyfriend rolled his eyes in the same playful manner. This was the way they joked with each other, and he wasn't offended. "Hey, I'll have you know that I'm a fan, not a groupie. And uh, you know I was gonna come over sooner actually, but I was tied up in some stuff."

Maya, the smile still evident on her face, raised her eyebrows slightly. "Tied up in some stuff? Like what? Don't tell me you were cheating on me now" she replied with a giggle, nudging him playfully.

Zig raised an eyebrow in response and scoffed quietly. "Oh yeah, I decided to stop over your house only after I cheated on you. What kind of horrible boyfriend do you think I am?"

"Only the worst" Maya replied with a small smirk, closing the space between them and standing on tiptoe to place a kiss on his lips. Zig's hands found her waist and he eagerly reciprocated, only groaning as she pulled away. Flat on her feet, she was barely up to his shoulder.

"Get back here, why'd you stop? You know I get needy when I haven't seen you in awhile" was her boyfriend's reply. With a roll of her eyes, Maya stood on tiptoe to place a longer kiss on his lips. Pulling away, she smiled a little. "There, was that satisfactory enough for you?"

"Well seeing as we just had sex the other day, I'd rather we were doing something else.." he raised his eyebrows suggestfully, one of his hands squeezing her hip, which was rather small in comparison.

In response, Maya gently placed her hand over the one that was on her hip and laced their fingers together. She looked up at him with a pouting face, clearly a signal that sex was not on the mind and cuddles were.

Zig merely snorted in response, his eyes wandering around the room (evidently checking for a sign of Maya's mother) before leaning down to plant a kiss in her hair. "C'mon, don't tell me you wanna cuddle again. We did that last time, it was pretty boring."

Zig couldn't see Maya's expression with his face buried in her blonde locks, but Maya's eyes had lost their sparkle a little and her lips were currently pursed in a tight line to match the tight coil in her stomach. Offended, she paused. "What's wrong with cuddling?" She didn't understand what was wrong with them- she knew she loved Zig, and they could have times where they would hang out and laugh and joke around. It wasn't until they were guaranteed alone time that Zig would talk about sex, much too often for Maya's liking. It wasn't as if she was against having sex with her boyfriend, but he handled her rather carelessly, fell asleep right afterwards, and never asked her if she was okay.

Maya would brush this behavior off with every excuse in the book- Zig was different from other guys, he was rough around the edges, he was more of a physical person who had trouble with communication, he was a boy (this particular excuse had the feminist club scoffing and rolling their eyes.)

Evidently taking her silence as hesitance to sex, Zig pulled away a little and surveyed her with more of a serious expression. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong with cuddling, I just figured since we had the house to ourselves, we could get up to something a little more interesting."

Halfheartedly, Maya offered an alternative to Zig. "Oh uh, I actually need your help with something. The feminist club actually asked me to help come up with a new issue to tackle, and-"

"What's that gonna take, five minutes?" Zig's chuckle was not misheard by Maya, and she knew what was coming. "Don't the feminists kind of pick everything apart already? You know how people cry rape? They always cry 'sexist' and 'harassment'. I don't know why they'd be harassed though. They're..not much to look at."

Maya's head almost seemed to throb with the concentration of refraining from rolling her eyes. Instead, she raised her eyebrows and clasped her hands together. "Okay, I am guessing your less than mature insults are an indicator that you want to help?" Maya knew she was grasping at straws- Zig was more interested in the lunchroom's tuna sandwiches than he was with feminist issues.

"No, I'll leave that brainstorming to you" was his reply, his fingers threading through Maya's curls instead. "Like I said, I have other things on my mind, and feminism is kind of a mood killer."

Maya's temples seemed to throb as the urge to roll her eyes tempted her. "It's not really supposed to be a mood killer silly, it's a movement that fights for equality between the-"

She was cut off with a wave of Zig's hand and a smirk. "Uh oh, looks like they're brainwashing you. Are you gonna be walking around while holding crazy signs too?" Taking Maya's response as an indicator that he was correct, Zig plunged on. "And instead of finding every excuse in the book not to get busy with your boyfriend, maybe you can do the opposite for once."

He was looking at her just like he did when they would kiss, with want in his eyes that Maya felt like she couldn't truly reciprocate. Maya did love Zig- he had been there for her when she had hit rock bottom last year and started going to therapy, and at one point, was the only person in her life. He was familiarity to her, and when her anxiety was at the worst, being protected was essential. Now though, seeing things on the other side, Maya began to realize the problems popping up with Zig's behavior towards her. "Can't we just cuddle?" She tried again with a wide smile.

Zig raised an eyebrow with an almost haughty expression, closing the space between them once more and resting his hands on her hips. "Oh, yeah, cuddle. Cause you're totally an innocent little girl, aren't you? Unless I'm completely wrong, you were there when we had sex. You've done it before, so stop pretending like you don't want it now."

Maya's eyebrows lowered in a soft movement, her body ever so slightly beginning to drift away from his strong grip. "I..but that doesn't mean I want to have it all the time, Zig" she replied firmly, placing a hand against his chest to stop him from cutting her off with a kiss.

"Yeah, well I want to have it all the time" he dismissed with a shrug, squeezing her hips in what was supposed to be a playful matter. Maya swallowed thickly, her resistance starting to wane. If she gave into sex again, she'd feel horrible afterwards. On the other hand, her resistance would cause Zig to get angry and freeze her out for days. She hated when people were mad at her, especially when they didn't have to be.

Mustering up a little courage, she placed her hand on the back of his neck and drew him in for a longer kiss, clearly stalling for time as she internally made her decision. She had given Zig sex (or other physical things) before, and if she followed through, he would be happy. It wasn't like she wanted to, but a small part of her was a bit afraid of what he would to if she continued to resist him.

Of course, Zig's mind was only on one thing and the controlled way in which she was kissing him completely flew over his head. He gripped her back by her hips in a much more aggressive way and she felt her body already against his. This was it- Maya knew she couldn't change her mind now. Zig was terrible at interpreting signals, but when these signals were sexual, he was all for delving into the activities that would follow.

Her brain was working very fast as she shut the door to her bedroom, continued to kiss him in a half-hearted manner, and made her way to her bed. Why was she in the feminist club if she was letting her own boyfriend, a boy, tell her what she could and couldn't do? Why was she bothering to help everyone around her if she couldn't muster up the bravery to tell him off? She had told him 'no' before, but that word didn't seem to register as anything significant in Zig's mind.

Maya found herself flat against her bed and biting down on her bottom lip, waiting for Zig to make his moves. Her mind was on what would happen afterwards- she would be okay, she would be okay. Her shirt was pulled over her head and she cringed as his hands gripped her sensitive areas with no care. It didn't get bad until he replaced his hands with his mouth, his teeth cutting into her skin in ways that only made her yelp.

Zig regarded these reactions as the green light to continue. He wasn't stupid, he must have known Maya wasn't into it and that she wanted to stop. At one point, Maya found her hands pushing his own away from between her legs, trying to distract him with a deeper kiss. This was to no avail- his mind was already on what he wanted. Feebily, Maya murmured for him to stop.

Zig's hand was halfway up her thigh and his eyebrows were lowered in what seemed to be annoyance. Not removing it, he propped himself up on an elbow and looked down at her. "Seriously, Maya? Every time I try to touch you, you freak out."

"Well maybe if you handled me with a little more care-" Maya's words were cut off by Zig's scoff. His hand finally moved away from her legs, back onto his side of her bed.

"But I'm your boyfriend, Maya." There was still lust in Zig's eyes as he looked down at her, and Maya quickly sat up and tried to pull her clothes back on. Re-clasping her bra, she looked down at her legs uncomfortably, not knowing what to say that would make him happy. His hand trailed over to her shoulder, brushing hair away from it as he kissed her neck. "Don't you want to make me happy? It'll make you happy. Why don't you take that bra off and we can continue?"

She gently declined him, pushing his shoulder away from him. "I..yeah, I know you're my boyfriend, Zig. But maybe you need to be a little more gentle…or-or there's just some things you do that I'm not really into. The last time we..we slept together, I really hurt afterwards." Her eyes met his again, the coil of anxiety in the pit of her stomach unnaturally tight. Her boyfriend didn't show much compassion at this statement, letting out a long sigh. "Maya, you know I don't hurt you or anything..I'm just tired of catering to all of your needs. You're so indecisive that it gives me a freaking headache. You want sex, then you don't. I'm your own boyfriend and I can't even open your legs once a week."

Maya's jaw clenched a little at his wording, pulling her shirt over her head and moving the blanket over her legs. "I just wish.." Despite Zig's annoyance at her, she pushed on. "I wish it was more romantic sometimes, you know?" Her eyebrows raised in a desperate attempt to finally get on Zig's page. "You say I have a lot of needs, but that's not true. I just want to be loved, and-"

"Oh, so you think I don't love you now?" Zig's voice was raised. There was no more lust in his eyes, only anger and the desperation to get what he wanted. "You think that I'm not completely in love with you, Maya? Look at everything I've done for you. I'm sorry I'm not rich and pay for all your little needs, like those stupid guitar straps you buy-"

Maya narrowed her eyes, this time cutting him off. "They're not stupid, Zig. I'm not expecting you to understand since you don't really play guitar, but the strap evens you out when you're playing. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care about your financial status! That stuff is crap and you know it! I've always loved you for you, and I'm not asking you to take me out to a fancy restaurant every single weekend-"

"But you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Zig was cutting her off again, his fist clenched and still on his side of the bed. "You'd like for someone to support you with everything, buy you little gifts…every girl wants that and I can't deliver."

"Oh, will you quit being ridiculous?" Maya's voice had raised for the first time in protest against him, her eyes wide with indignation. "I could care less about how much money you have! Even if we were having our dates in a..in a dumpster or something, that wouldn't change how I feel about you! All I'm asking for is a little compassion! Romance doesn't cost a penny, Zig! When we do things together, it's never romantic." Maya crossed her arms against her chest and looked down again, hating expressing these feeling to someone who most likely didn't understand.

"Whatever" was his mumble, turning around to face away from her and grabbing her pillow to hold instead of her. Maya found this reaction incredibly immature, but she wasn't new to the situation. Every time after they did something sexual, he would turn away and fall asleep. The first couple times she was very upset about it, but part of her expected it now.

Running her hands through her curls, Maya hesitated. "Zig. The last time we slept together..you hurt me a lot. I kept telling you 'not so hard' but you didn't listen. I..I was bleeding the next day, and-"

She was cut off by Zig's deep breathing- he was already asleep, his worries and cares far away from her and how she was feeling. Sitting there next to him in the bed, her skirt still down at her ankles, she felt pathetic. Whenever Maya thought about doing sexual things in the past, she had always pictured it as slightly awkward but very romantic. She knew she needed to do something, put her foot down- things needed to change.


	2. Chapter 2

It was time for school, and Zig had already left Maya's house without saying goodbye. After last night and her clear refusal to have sex with him, Maya was sure that Zig would freeze her out for a bit. That never lasted though- when Maya would begin to ignore him back, he quickly apologized and begged for her forgiveness, only to pressure her into sexual things the very next day. The constant cycle was the only thing in her life that was keeping her thoughts far away from her music.

She had spent a good half hour lying in her bed, staring a bit blankly at the spot where Zig had been lying. A million thoughts seemed to zip through her head at once, but the most prevalent one was that she was alone. Not in a sense that there was no one in her life- Maya had actually made a lot of new friends. In a romantic sense though, she had been stagnant for a very long time. She hadn't felt passion with Zig in months. She might have felt devotion…but that was never a romantic thing- she had always been devoted to being his friend in the past. It was a blank feeling and Maya was sick of feeling it.

Surprisingly she wasn't crying. She had broken down into tears when Zig had begun this behavior- saying that he loved her only to use her sexually and leave the next day. No cuddles, no pillow talk, no making sure she was okay, just silence and his absence. The lack of her boyfriend's presence definitely bothered her and highlighted the fact that she was truly alone in her needs, but she was less dependent on him now.

Her thoughts were on her band as she got up out of bed and dressed in a tight tank top and ripped jeans. She would finally be meeting the Jonah in person that had been talked about around the school- he didn't have the best reputation, but she was willing to put aside personal life for professional life. She fluffed her glossy curls and applied a little makeup before grabbing up her music sheets and backpack.

Running downstairs, she spotted her mother in the kitchen, already making coffee.

"Maya?" Her mother made sure she was listening before continuing. "Do you consider me to be blind?"

Her eyebrows furrowing together in confusion, Maya glanced down at her outfit, wondering what was wrong with it. "Am I dressed too sexy or something? I could change, I just...I figured that showing off more of my body would help kill a little of the anxiety." This statement was true. Maya had hated scrutinization last year, and when people looked at her, it made her feel like they were already passing judgements on how much of a basket case (or a slut) she was- depending on who you asked.

Mrs. Matlin shook her head and took her cup of coffee from the counter, stirring in the coffee as her slightly incredulous gaze never strayed from her daughter. "No, your outfit is fine. Maya, did you think I wouldn't notice that you smuggled Zig into your room for the night?"

Maya's mouth fell open slightly. Biting the inside of her lip, she couldn't help the flush slowly spreading across her cheeks. Her mother was unusually sharp when it came to things like that, and despite her disability, didn't miss a step Maya took- especially with boys involved. "Oh-Zig. Right. I'm…I'm sorry mom, it's been a long time since he's stayed over and-"

"Wasn't he over last week?" Mrs. Matlin raised her eyebrows, taking a sip of the coffee and lifting herself from the counter with her crutches. "Maya, you can invite Zig over, but you can't just sneak him into your room. The whole reason he doesn't stay here anymore is because the both of you broke one of the only rules I laid out for you."

Maya's gaze was on her studded combat boots as she listened to her mother's words. Guilt bubbled up in her stomach at the thought, hating upsetting her mother over something that could have been easily avoided. Meeting her gaze again, Maya sighed. "Okay…he won't be over here anymore."

As Maya walked over to the kitchen cabinet to uncap her pill bottle and swallow one, her mother's eyes followed. "That was quick. Is everything okay between you two?"

"Everything's fine" Maya mumbled out before swallowing the pill, washing it down with some water. That would help her with the day's band auditions that would no doubt have taken a toll on her anxiety in the past.

"Fine?" She could hear the skepticism in her mother's tone as she looked at Maya. "He's not going to walk you to school? You're capable of walking yourself, but seeing as he's your boyfriend-"

"Mom, I'm gonna be late for my band auditions if I don't leave right now" Maya talked over her mother capping the pill bottle and stowing it in her backpack. Sometimes she would need to take a couple more pills a day if something majorly triggered her or the memories decided to come back. "Zig and I are fine. Great, actually! He was probably just embarrassed since he knew you caught him."

After kissing her mother on the cheek and departing for school, Maya felt like she could breathe again. Only inside her head could she admit that there was something wrong with her and Zig. Only to herself could she really see the problems aligned right out in front of her. People at school would gush about what a cute couple they were and in all honesty, those people liked Maya's relationship more than Maya did. It definitely put her head in a clear perspective though- even happy looking relationships could have unhealthiness brewing underneath.

The moment she entered the doors of Degrassi, she felt her eyes practically dilating. There were strange posters hung all over the walls of the school, posters that had certainly not have been there before. She didn't know whether to laugh or not at the content of them. Blinking a little, she barely had time to register the face of Miles Hollingsworth smiling down at her on the posters before there was a tap on her shoulder.

Gasping, Maya turned around to see a grimacing Grace- clearly the posters were not a big hit with her. "Grace! Don't do that, ugh." Looking around, Maya read the slogan 'I play for both teams' which was stamped obnoxiously on the bottom of what seemed to be campaign posters. "Okay, what's going on in here, is it my eyes?" Maya took off her glasses and polished them on her shirt before replacing them on her nose. "Nope, it's not my eyes. It's just flashy memes positioned all over Degrassi."

Grace snorted loudly and surveyed the posters, silently mouthing the slogan. "What can I say? Guy knows how to advertise. People eat up that garbage. Kind of a stupid font though- looks like the original tumblr meme. Can't say I'm enjoying his face this close to mine this early in the morning." She raised an eyebrow at Maya. "Remind me again why you dated Moneybags?"

Maya tore her eyes away from the posters. She had just realized that they had been the most she had seen of Miles since the summer. "I…that was a really long time ago" was her only response. She had no idea what to make of Miles at the moment. He always seemed to be taking on something different, and from a confusing standpoint of not being in his life anymore, it was odd to watch.

"Yep, after you cut him off. What's wrong, could the ever so indecisive Maya Matlin actually kick him to the curb? Couldn't handle the pyro tendencies?" She nudged Maya in the arm and the blonde forced a laugh, glancing up at the poster once more.

"No, no, it's not that. We just…we had different things to do. He needed to work on the 'pyro tendencies' and clean up the school-"

"Which is why we had the pleasure of watching him in that funny looking kitchen-helper outfit" Grace put in, a pleased smirk on her face. "I bet he's never had to work a day in his life. The look on his face when he had to scoop the food onto people's trays? Similar to mine when people ask if they can touch my piercings."

Maya couldn't help but giggle a little, rolling her eyes at her friend's comments. "Zoe was funnier, she kept spilling the mush everywhere. I bet it like, totes ruined her manicure!" She said this all in good fun, seeing as Zoe and her were on better terms lately. They definitely wouldn't be having sleepovers anytime soon, but it was a start at a possible friendship that she didn't want to mess up again.

"Where's Ziggy?" Grace looked around before turning her attention back to Maya. "Aren't you two usually attached at the hip? Only time when he's away from you is when he's forced to, sleeping or dead. The latter only happening because of the former."

"Ha ha" was Maya's response, rolling her eyes. She was a bit relieved that Zig was away from her at the moment. After last night, she didn't want to hear him complaining about not receiving sex. This was the first time she had ever denied him anything sexual, and his reaction to it told her a lot about who he really was. "I'd…rather not be around him at the moment" she mumbled, dropping her voice.

As they walked to the staircase which was much less crowded and better for students to gossip in, Grace's eyebrow shot up. "Trouble in paradise? I was beginning to think that there was no trouble at all- absolving the fact that Zig is a human leech around you."

"It's…it's not a big deal." Maya tried to steady her voice so as not to hint to Grace that something was seriously wrong.

"Is that why there are hickeys on your neck the size of potato chips?" Grace stared at Maya bluntly, obviously knowing where the marks had come from. Maya's hand flew to her neck and for some reason in that moment, she felt as if she was going to cry. The previous night flashed back to her when Zig had been biting at her neck, hurting her.

Grace must have noticed the shift in the blonde's expression, because her own darkened a little. Her eyebrows were lowered in confusion as she tried to read the girl in front of her. "Nothing to be ashamed of. Tiny break dancing in the caf the other day? Yeah, that's something to be ashamed of." Grace's words were light but she was still watching Maya in a calculating way.

Maya's hand was still over her hickies, feeling a little disgusted at the reminder of what had happened. It hadn't just been last night though- Zig had done things before that had hurt her, things that she told him not to. She heard a loud voice in the distance and was extremely relieved to have something to distract her. It looked for a moment as if Grace had caught on to why Zig and Maya weren't talking, but the next, an annoyed expression had replaced it. For someone who was very skilled at reading people, Grace's own thoughts and feelings somehow seemed impenetrable.

Both girls turned to see Tristan striding through the hallways, talking very fast and very loud. He was passing out pins and telling anyone who would listen on how he would make fast improvements to the school. "Yeah, improvements" Grace had muttered in Maya's ear. "The only real improvement will be when this guy graduates."

Maya gently pushed Grace away, laughing softly. Tristan seemed to be taking on something that she could never see him doing before. He wasn't exactly the most driven person, and was often easily distracted by things that weren't so important in the grand scheme of things. Zoe was by Tristan's side, cutting into his long drawn-out speeches with her own snappy slogans. In her hands was a poster with Tristan's face on it.

As Grace and Maya walked up to them, Grace's hand went straight for the poster clutched tightly in Zoe's arms. Caught off guard, Tristan stopped talking and Zoe's eyes widened. "Hey!" The brunette girl tried to make a swipe at the poster, but Grace was already holding it up to the light as if hoping it was a joke that was about to reveal itself.

"Um, what's wrong?" Tristan glanced uncertainly at Grace before his eyes met Maya's, who gave him a soft shrug. She and Tristan were on better terms than they had been on when they were fighting- but that was about it.

Zoe waved her hand in front of Grace's face, her lips pursed in annoyance. "Hello! Grace? Some of us are trying to campaign here, and if you're trying to check our poster for flaws, I'd suggest you take a long and hard look at Miles Hollingsworth's instead. Now give that back!"

Grace ignored her. Looking up at Tristan, she gave him a look of incredulity mixed with disgust. "This is what you're going for- the gay best friend? You're totally downgrading yourself, man. If you market yourself that way, that's all people will see you as. A sidekick to the big guys, like him." She gestured up towards Miles's poster, huge in size compared to the one Tristan and Zoe had made. "You won't be getting my vote." She shoved the poster back into Zoe's hands.

Maya's attention was averted as she spotted Miles striding down the hallways, looking like he was supervising Winston hanging up his poster. Zoe's retort was drowned out and she lowered her eyebrows a little. "Miles is running for student council president?" She curiously looked at Tristan and Zoe to see if this information was correct.

"Sadly, yes" was Tristan's only reply before busying himself with his own poster, obviously trying to look more professional I'm comparison. Maya had a hard time holding in her laughter as she looked at the poster Winston was hanging up. "Okay, that is the cheesiest thing I have ever seen" the blonde commented. "It literally looks like someone made it on powerpoint. I would know, I kind of made my own audition posters-"

She was cut off by Miles's voice as he reached the group of them. "Hello, hi. Do you four mind having your chat in a different location? I'm awfully busy, and while I would adore listening to Matlin poking fun at my posters-"

"Hey, we all were" Grace put in fairly, a skeptical expression on her face as she watched Winston try to hang one of the posters in an area higher up than his headspace. Tristan and Zoe took one look at Miles and bustled off, already talking about him behind their hands.

"Since when are we on last name terms?" Maya looked up at Miles as he loomed over her, looking taller than usual and painfully professional in his suit.

"Oh, I apologize, would you prefer superstar of Degrassi?" Miles gave her a tight-lipped smile, but his eyes were shining in amusement. Clearly he was enjoying poking fun at her right back. "I don't know if you realized this, but you're standing directly in front of the spot I want to hang my poster. Now unless you'd like to be glued to the wall, I'd suggest you move."

Maya glanced back at the wall, not enjoying being tested this early in the morning. "I was going to hang some of my audition posters here. Can't you find somewhere else to hang your gauzy posters?"

"Oh, well I would" Miles replied, glancing behind her at the wall. "But as you might have already noticed, we've already marked our spot. Guess you'll have to go somewhere else."

"What?" Maya glanced behind her, realizing he was right. "Oh. Sorry." Avoiding his gaze, she moved her hair behind her ear, quickly stepping near Grace so she wouldn't be in the line of fire.

Miles turned to look at her as she moved, opening his mouth as if he was about to tell her something. After a few moments, he hesitated and abruptly turned back around, already motioning for Winston to help him hoist the poster up. A little confused, Maya turned back around and started to walk with Grace to their next class.

The dark-haired girl snorted slightly, glancing back at Miles. "That kid's gonna face the wrath of the non-threatening Maya Matlin. Messing around with your audition posters like that? Not cool."

"Tell me about it" mumbled Maya, her thoughts still on Miles, wondering what he could have been thinking. Did he hate her because she distanced herself from him so long ago? It was never intentional, the both of them seemed to drift apart and do their own thing. They were both receiving separate therapy and both had different things to do. The more puzzling thing to Maya though, was trying to piece together exactly how she felt about him.


	3. Chapter 3

The next week or two was completely a blur to Maya- despite everyone in her life telling her that making it big was a long shot and she didn't have much of a chance, she was getting gigs. Not all of them were at popular places, but she was only starting out and Maya wanted all of the experience she could get. Performing at clubs was not her ideal at all- the idea of being in such close proximity to guys who looked at her like she was a piece of meat made her slightly nauseous, but she never let her anxiety get the better of her. If any one of them would try something on her, she was quick to put her foot down and object.

That day, Maya had called a meeting for her band (which for the time being consisted of Grace and Jonah, someone who she had met only recently) to tell them bad news. Despite practically begging Principal Simpson to let her perform at the next school event, he had shut her down pretty quickly and she had absolutely no idea why. Marching into the band room that morning, she was practically fuming. Shutting the door tightly, she let out a breath of exhaustion.

"Whoa, where's the fire?" Grace's tone was amused, but curiosity bloomed in her eyes as she watched Maya's actions. She was currently trying to untangle a couple of cords. Jonah was on the other side of the room, plucking at his guitar. Raising an eyebrow, he glanced up from his guitar. "Uh oh. Bad news?"

"Not bad, the worst." Maya huffed quietly, crossing her arms over her chest and surveying the other two. "I knew that there was a reason I hated Degrassi. I went straight to Simpson, and he won't even let us have the gym during the next dance to perform! As if watching the jocks see how many times they can call something 'gay' is more entertaining." She rolled her eyes, extremely disappointed that her conversation with the Principal wasn't more constructive.

"Is that exactly what he said?" Grace's eyebrows were lowered in confusion at Maya's words. She spared half a glance at Jonah before continuing. "Can't imagine why the guy wouldn't want a band performing at the dance. It's not like that Milligan guy yelling orders at everyone is going to be more settling for anyone's stomach. Besides, if he doesn't like your songs, you can do covers."

"Exactly what I said" Maya replied with a nod. "Look, I love our songs, but I can sing whatever he wants me to. I guess 'I'm an aspiring musician and I need to play my tracks' wasn't a good enough excuse for him. If I can't perform at the school, I'll just find somewhere else to do it. It's just a matter of where, and-"

"Slow down" Jonah responded, shaking his head as he looked up from his guitar. He had stopped plucking at it and was staring at her with a slightly nonplussed expression. "Look, Maya. Gigs at the school are gonna get us the fame we need to rise even more."

Maya's brow furrowed at this response, glancing at Grace before addressing Jonah. "I know that, and I would love to play at the dance, but we can't. Didn't you just hear? For some reason, Simpson completely turned me down." She glanced down at her clothes, smoothing her skirt. "Did I not look professional or something?"

"Not compared to Miles Hollingsworth in his suit and tie" chortled Grace, her smile quickly fading as Maya gave her a look.

"Yeah, but he's not exactly professional now, is he?" Jonah's eyebrows shot up. "We're talking about the same guy who got thrown out of the presidential competition because his party was too big. But hey, Maya." He turned his attention back to the distressed blonde. "Do you actually have prior experience with gigs or were you just expecting to hop on board?"

Maya opened her mouth and closed it again, running a hand through her hair. "Well…"

"Exactly as I thought" Jonah plowed on bluntly. "If you don't have any past experience, how can you have any credibility with the principal? This isn't just about him- this is about the students too. The gym is a public place to be performing in, and you have to earn their respect and become credible in their eyes. Otherwise Principal Simpson will just view you as another eager music groupie, desperate to spit their songs into the air despite not knowing how to ask for a gig."

Maya's mouth dropped open a little. "I am not-"

"I never said you were" Jonah cut her off, still unsmiling. "But that's what the Principal is going to think of you if you don't earn more street cred. You need to tell people about the band, raise more awareness. Make more posters, and make sure said posters won't be shoved aside for the presidential bloodbath…whoops, I mean campaign."

Grace snorted slightly, raising a hand. "Hey, enough. Just because the school's incompetent doesn't mean that Maya is to blame for that. Lay off her for a minute, man."

Maya's heart was racing unusually fast. Jonah was known to come off as blunt and sometimes a bit of an asshole, but he had never set her off like this before. A part of her brain wondered if it was actually Jonah setting her off, or something else was wrong. Pushing this idea from her head, she crossed her arms tighter. "Actually, that's where you're wrong, Jonah. I've been performing in concert halls since I was seven, and I've performed at school dances before. I can pick up any instrument with strings. How can Simpson not be impressed by that?"

"Ah, hey, a concert hall isn't exactly a gig" Jonah replied calmly, pulling the strap of his guitar over his shoulder and setting it down against the wall. Surveying Maya, he continued. "Just because Simpson rejected us doesn't mean you have to complain about it. Maybe you didn't know this, but I have prior experience. I've done live shows, and you know what comes with that? Rejection. I get that having haters suck, but like…get over it, kind of? You need to build up a thick skin."

"You know what also comes with rejection?" Grace turned to Jonah. "Maya having to jump through hoops just for Simpson to give her the okay for one stupid gig. Who says it has to do with her inexperience? Maybe he's having a bad day. He sure had a bone to pick with that Moneybags kid."

"I get it, Jonah" Maya replied, giving him a false smile. For some reason, her heart rate hadn't gone down. She could hear it beating in her ears slightly- was this just anger? Maya wasn't exactly easily angered and when she was, she would never become out of breath. "You are talented, have tons of experience, and know how to build up a thick skin when the haters come to attack you."

"Maya, I am not saying that" Jonah shook his head, raising a hand up. "In my opinion? You are very talented and you'd be hard-pressed to find someone as determined to meet their goals as you are. You play your instruments like no other and write songs faster than I do. But- and this is where I'm going to sound like an asshole again- you are sensitive."

"Which wouldn't be a problem if people didn't rip into the girl all the time" Grace interjected, her expression darkening. "She just wants to be given a chance, and yeah, you do come off like an ass. Take a couple steps back and reevaluate yourself. Has it ever occurred to you that she can handle it?"

"From where I'm standing, I'm not very sure" Jonah responded heatedly.

Maya didn't hear Grace's reply, only catching a couple of words that Grace was saying. Was this anxiety? She felt the familiar prickling of goosebumps up and down her arms that she normally associated with a panic attack. Her breaths were coming out shorter than usual, and she couldn't seem to find the right amount of air. Last year, conflict and fighting would always trigger some kind of anxious reaction out of her, but this was different. She had gone to therapy and was on her meds…her meds.

Maya unsteadily grabbed her backpack from over her shoulder, unzipping the front pocket to grab her bottle of pills. Normally, this act would have embarrassed her in front of others, but anxiety seemed to take the logic out of all situations. She dug through it, feeling lipgloss, a guitar pick, pencils, paper…where were her meds?

"No, they have to be in here…" she mumbled quietly, beginning to dig through her bag. "Where are they..where are they…"

There was dead silence in the room- obviously Grace and Jonah had noticed her strange behavior.

"Oh, no…let me guess, you're going to blame me for her little emotional episode too?" Jonah's voice rang out, sounding like he was talking from inside of a tunnel.

"That's not it, she has panic attacks, moron!" Grace marched up to Maya, looking her straight in the face. "Matlin, what's going on?"

Maya didn't repsond, still digging through her bag in the desperate hope that she would find what she needed. She tried not to be too dependent on her pills, but in certain situations, popping one was necessary. She was throwing pieces of paper and notebooks out of her backpack, her breathing becoming more erratic. She felt like she had lost something very dear to her, and tears began to spring in her eyes. Where were her pills?

"My..my meds are gone" she mumbled out, placing one of her hands on her heart as if this would magically help the air to start flowing naturally into her lungs.

Grace took this in stride, nodding her head once. In a businesslike manner, she took Maya by her upper arms and gripped her firmly. "Maya, look at me. Maya. Where did you last leave them? Did you take them to school with you?"

Jonah had started slowly walking over to the two girls, but Maya could barely see Grace. "I..I don't know, yeah! Yeah, I did, I remember taking them in the morning and now they're gone, they're not in my bag anymore…"

Grace's jaw clinched slightly a tear ran down Maya's cheek, releasing her arms. "Someone stole them. Probably some drug addict who thought they could get hopped up on happy pills. Sick." After a pause, she seemed to make an internal decision. "Maya, I'm gonna be right back, okay? Jonah, take care of her. If I hear you insulted her when she was having a panic attack…"

Grace was out the door and Jonah was at Maya's side, his hand halfway to her shoulder in an uncertainty at what to do. "Maya, come on…here, take some of this." He grabbed her thermos out of her backpack. Maya's fingers seemed to tremble and she dropped the bag- which landed on Jonah's feet.

He cringed and closed his eyes, but didn't say anything. Uncapping the thermos, he handed it to her. Maya's chest was rising and falling very quickly, but she still managed to swallow some water. "I'm okay…I'm okay…I just want my meds." She looked at him miserably through her glassy eyes, wondering if this was anywhere close to what withdrawal felt like. It had only been one day, but that pill was what she needed to get her mind in gear.

After sitting on the floor of the band room and missing a period, Maya's brain seemed to be functioning in a more realistic way. She was still terrified of never seeing her pill bottle again and explaining how she lost it to her mother, but that wasn't the main problem. It had to be some sort of withdrawal symptom that she hadn't experienced before. The panic attack, while scary, was something she had gone through a handful of times. The withdrawal was different- it wasn't physical, and her brain felt about to explode. She felt more exposed and sensitive, liable to get upset over anything. Losing the pills was like losing someone she loved- she was extremely depressed.

After parting ways with Jonah, Maya met up with Grace in the hallway near her locker. Very frazzled, Maya ran a hand through her curls, letting out a loud breath. "Where did you go?"

"Where do you think I went? Out looking for the ass who stole your pills. And believe it or not, I was on their trail pretty quick. He wasn't exactly hard to spot when he was taking them in a crowded classroom-"

Grace was cut off by Principal Simpson's voice on the announcements. "Maya Matlin to the Principal's Office please, thank you."

Maya's brow furrowed slightly, looking back at Grace and seeing that her expression mirrored the blonde's. Pulling her backpack strap more securely over her shoulder, she pursed her lips in anticipation. "This isn't about the class I missed…did Simpson catch the person stealing my pills?"

"Yeah, with my help" Grace interjected, worry lines still prevalent in her face. Maya sighed and moved forward, hugging her friend tightly. "Thank you…"

"Alright, no need to get mushy on me now" was Grace's reply, but she didn't stray away from the hug until Maya did.

After parting with Grace, Maya walked to Simpson's office. She couldn't help the knot that formed in the pit of her stomach, wondering what exactly she was going to find in the office. She couldn't think of a single person who would steal her prescription meds out of her backpack, but clearly it had been someone in the school. After a moment, Maya agreed to herself that it must be someone she didn't know. That would make sense.

She opened the door to Simpson's office, and blinked in confusion. Sitting there in the seats in front of the desk was Miles Hollingsworth. Miles was slumped down in his seat and looked extremely weary. Thinking she had walked in on something private, she quickly hesitated. "Oh uh, am I interrupting something?"

"Not at all, Maya." Simpson nodded his head towards the empty chair next to Miles.

Tilting her head to the side slightly in confusion, Maya carefully took the seat. "Wait, if this isn't my meeting, why do I have to wait here?"

"Because this is your meeting, Maya." Simpson's expression didn't change as he glanced from Miles to Maya. "I called you down to the office for a reason. Did you allegedly have some sort of prescription medication taken from your possession today?"

Maya nodded her head immediately, but then it clicked in her brain- she knew why he was asking her this question. She knew why Miles had been called down. Tearing her eyes from the principal, Maya looked straight into Miles's with nothing but spite. "You stole my meds."

Up close, Miles looked extremely worse for the wear. He had purple bags under his eyes which looked half open, his skin had taken on a grayish tint, and he looked extremely drawn as if he had been bed-ridden for days. Leaning forward in his seat, he paused uncomfortably, looking like he wanted nothing more than to float through the ceiling and away from Maya. "I needed them. I didn't even know they were yours."

Maya blinked once, glanced down at her lap, then met Miles's eyes again. "You didn't recognize my backpack? You didn't see my name on the pill bottle when you were stealing it out of my bag? Meds have the patient's name on them."

"Maya." Miles gave her a very severe look, drawing out his words. "You know I would never purposely steal from you, especially prescription medication. It could have belonged to absolutely anybody in this school-"

"Exactly." Maya pursed her lips, still looking at Miles with nothing but hurt in her eyes. She knew they hadn't talked to each other in awhile, but their last conversation had been on good terms for the both of them. They had gotten a sense of closure after the mess that was the end of sophomore year. "Those could have belonged to anybody, and you took them for yourself. Do you even care about what could happen to the person who was stolen from? Some people need medication-"

"And I am one of those people." Miles's jaw was set and he shut his eyes in an exhausted manner for a moment as he raised a hand. "I would appreciate if you, Maya Matlin, did not give me a lecture about something I very clearly know was wrong to do. I am sorry if I caused you any distress-"

"Her friend, Grace was the one who disclosed this information" Simpson cut in, glancing from Maya to Miles in almost a plea that they would save whatever issues they had to resolve for after he was done with them. "According to Miss Cardinal, Maya was suffering from symptoms of a panic attack, including shortness of breath. Mr. Hollingsworth, would you call that distress?"

"Yes. Yes, okay, I…I know." Miles's voice had lost a little of it's edge. Maya saw him looking at her out of the corner of her eye, but made no effort to return this glance. A part of her felt a little disgusted, but another wondered why Miles would be taking medication for no reason. Clearly there was a reason- he wasn't a kleptomaniac or a thief.

"Maya, can you look at me?" Miles leaned over further, but she drew away from him slightly. Her mind still felt extremely weary from going without the medication, and she was getting an inexplicable urge to cry- or maybe sleep.

Principal Simpson sat back in his seat, his hands clasped together. "Miss Matlin did raise a good point. Miles, your story doesn't seem to be clicking together. If you claim you had no idea the pills belonged to Maya, then how can you explain the bottle? It had her name on it, you must have seen-"

"No, I did not see it" Miles replied sharply, shaking his head at once. "I had absolutely no idea those belonged to her. Maya is a friend of mine, and-"

"He is not my friend" Maya mumbled, looking down at her legs. This was true- they hadn't spoken in months, and for him to make that claim was a bit strange.

"It doesn't mean I do not care about you" was his weary response. Turning back to Simpson, he drew a breath. "I was simply in a very distressed emotional state, and must have missed Maya's name on the bottle. I'm deeply sorry, and-"

"He's lying" Maya interjected softly, but still audible to the two in the room. She crossed her arms firmly, not willing to take back this statement. She saw Miles turn to her again out of the corner of her eye and dug her heel into the carpet, willing herself not to look back.

"Excuse me?" Simpson's eyebrows raised slightly, glancing from Maya to Miles. "Miles, are you sure about that statement?"

"Absolutely." Miles's false smile faded as he turned to Maya, hissing at her. "What do you mean, I'm lying? How the hell could you possibly know that?"

"Because!" She forgot about her willingness to avoid his gaze and turned to him again stubbornly. "You're doing that thing you always do when you lie! When you put on that false slimy smile and try to convince whoever you're sweet-talking to fall for your lies!"

Miles's eyes narrowed slightly at this comment, shaking his head. "Slimy?"

Maya shook her head. "That's not the point! You have on that silly false smile that you always paste on when you're withholding information. You're also using very few words so we can't pick apart and argument you may make. Also, last time I checked, you're not blind. If you didn't see my name on the pill bottle, maybe someone else stole them for you."

She expected Miles to retort, but for the first time in the meeting, he looked a little vulnerable. His eyes had cooled down slightly and she could see the lies in his brain slowly starting to fall apart and collapse upon each other. Turning back to Simpson, he delivered these next words with what sounded like a lot of pain. "A friend…gave them to me. A friend. However, I am accepting full responsibility, and am willing to undo whatever damage-"

"Oh, that's now how this works" Simpson replied, shaking his head at once. "If someone stole from Maya's backpack, they are to be held completely accountable for those actions. It's…noble of you to try and cover for your friend, but coming forward and giving me their name is the only way we can ensure this will never happen again."

Miles simply stared at Simpson, his mouth slightly open, pausing. Maya could see the gears turning around in his head, obviously working out how he could get out of releasing the person's name. Maya interjected quickly. "I want to know who stole from me, so I can get my pills back."

"Miles." Principal Simpson became stern, turning his attention only to the boy sitting in front of him. "We can do this the easy way, or you can force me to do this the hard way. You have options, I am giving you options. Either you disclose your friend's name immediately they face the punishment, or we can take a trip down the hallway and take a look through the security cameras. Our new installments since last semester capture everything on tape. I don't want to go through every single one of those tapes, and I don't want to waste either of your time. I'd suggest you come forward."

There was a ringing silence in the room. Miles was obviously stumped, not being able to talk his way out of this one. After what seemed like five minutes, Miles stirred and opened his mouth. He seemed to be speaking through tightly clenched teeth as he responded. "Esme Song." After another painful pause, he continued. "She was trying to…help me, so she took the pills from Maya's backpack during her gym class. We didn't know whose it was."

Maya looked directly at him this time, having no idea who this person was. Her brain tried to work through if she had ever heard of an Esme before, but it was coming up blank. Simpson's reaction, however, was completely different. "Thank you" he replied, quickly picking up the phone on his desk, obviously calling Esme out of class too.

Maya put her head in her hands, taking a deep, steadying breath. She wasn't in the mood to meet someone who seemed to be Miles's partner in crime. Miles seemed to notice this behavior, his mouth opening slightly. After swallowing, he spoke to Maya. "Maya…do you want some water?"

Lifting her face from her hands, she gave him a dark look. "No. Do you know what I want? I want to have my pills back, and I want to go home."

"If you would like to go home, you can" Simpson addressed her, placing the phone back on the receiver. "I still have matters to fix with Esme, but you're free to leave for the day. You will be signed out."

"Thank you" Maya replied quickly, not even sparing a glance at Miles as she grabbed up her backpack and fled the room. Right now, she had no idea what to think, and wasn't sure she could trust anyone anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

After Maya had stormed out of the principal's office, she quickly decided to get her things together. She had entered the band room only to find that all of the instruments were put away. Her guitar was back in its case and all of her music sheets were tucked neatly in the folders Maya had made for the band. A rush of gratitude for Grace and Jonah swelled up in Maya's heart.

She had been doing a bit of thinking after the anxiety had gotten the better of her, and saw Jonah's words as more constructive now and less like an attack. Despite the blunt and sometimes hurtful way he delivered his words, they were almost always true. Grace had been the one to find Miles out in the first place- Maya felt as if she could truly trust her.

Maya's head wasn't the same, despite the time she had to collect herself. She was still off her meds -had been for hours- and it was taking a toll on her more mentally than physically. Her heart seemed to hurt and tears would sometimes spring into her eyes for what seemed to be no reason at all. Expecting it was the withdrawal, Maya didn't know it would ever feel this horrible. Her brain felt like it was constantly buzzing.

Making note to bring this up on her next therapy session, Maya grabbed her guitar from the music room and the folders with her notes in it, figuring that she could at least make her time at home productive. Once she calmed herself down, she could maybe spin out some song lyrics.

Still a bit out of it, Maya crashed into a tall figure the second she exited the music room. Her guitar fell from her arms and all of the papers scattered around the floor. Maya looked at the papers for a moment and then back at Miles Hollingsworth who had knocked into her, and burst into tears, covering her face with her hands and walking into the band room.

Perplexed, Miles's eyes followed her inside. Clearly trying to handle the situation with some care, he bent down and began to gather all of her papers together, slipping them back into the designated folders. Maya continued to cry, the tears leaking from her eyes at an almost unstoppable rate.

Looking straight at him, her eyes blazed. "This is all your fault!"

Miles's eyes widened slightly, looking down at the guitar in a perplexed way before back at her tearful face. "How in the world did you manage to work this out to be my fault? I came looking for you and I figured you would probably be in the band room. I didn't bump into you on purpose-"

"Not that. My crying." Maya wiped quickly at the tears that were halfway down her cheeks, her eyes glistening. She had to take her glasses off for a moment and polish them. "You and your…your friend stole the medication that I needed. Now I'm getting all of these withdrawal symptoms, I'm crying every moment, and-" she faltered, her eyes still on Miles. Shaking her head, she made to exit through the door. "Oh, why am I telling you this? You're the one who helped steal them."

She grabbed the folder from Miles's arms, slung her backpack over her shoulder and picked up the guitar. Turning to face him, she had to tilt her head up just to see his face. "Can I have my pills please?"

Miles shook his head, raising his hand so he could speak. "Maya…I am not a thief. The crying out of nowhere, emotions flying off the handle, sadness that you can't seem to shake…you're clearly displaying all of the signs which is why you need to get more of your pills- and soon."

Maya's eyebrows scrunched up slightly at his profession, taking a step backwards from him. "What do you mean, 'I'm not a thief'? How can you even look me in the face and say that? I can't…what do you call going in my bag and taking something that isn't yours? Not honesty!" Maya's emotions were starting to fly off the handle just as Miles had said, and knowing he was right was only making her more irritated. She wanted nothing more than to go home, but suddenly that thought seemed very far away.

"I mean I didn't take those pills from you!" Miles let out a breath, his eyes widening earnestly as he locked eyes with Maya. His jaw tightened slightly and he averted his eyes, rubbing the back of his neck and looking almost guilty about his next words. "Esme was the one who took the pills. I assumed she had gotten them from home, or-"

"Yes, she must have gotten pills with the label saying 'Maya Matlin' at home" Maya interjected, her eyes narrowing as she tried to work out whether Miles was being truthful or not.

Patiently, Miles waited for her to finish speaking before continuing on. "…And I was desperate. See how you are right now? Moody, defensive, exhausted…yeah, I know it all. I've been there and that is exactly what is happening to you."

"So just give me back the pills." Maya let out an impatient breath, looking up at him in desperation to just get on with it so she could go home.

"I can't" he replied all in one breath, regret already blooming in his eyes at the words. His eyes scanned the music room as his mouth opened and closed before focusing back in on her, knowing he owed her an explanation. "I flushed them."

"What?!" Maya clapped a hand to her forehead, turning around so she could run her hands through her hair and process this information. Not only was she off her pills for the day, but she couldn't bring the bottle home and pop one and feel better again. It was a terrible empty feeling being away from the medication. "I can't…I need those pills! I am starting a band, I'm trying to get things done this semester and now everything's set back…" Her voice broke a little and she turned back to Miles accusingly.

"Alright, yeah, give me an earful then!" Miles gritted his teeth, looking to be in slight pain. "You're right, Maya. You know that? You are absolutely in the right and I am in the wrong- once again. Funny how some things never change. You are absolutely perfect and can do no wrong, while I fuck up left and right without any remorse. Fucking up is easy…and if you don't do it, you're clearly living up to your expectations better than I am."

Maya's hardened features had softened a little at his words, still clutching her folders tightly to her chest. Her lips twisted downwards ever so slightly as he let his words out. In a completely different circumstance, his words directed towards Maya could be considered a compliment- but she knew that wasn't what he was trying to do. "I'm not perfect!" She tried to get his attention again, noticing his eyes wandering around the room once more. Taking a step forward, she continued. "You know that, right?"

"Who are you kidding?" Miles's lips twisted into a wry smile as he shook his head. "Even when you're hopped up on…what was it, Prozac? Yes, even when you're hopped up on Prozac, you are absolutely in the right." His tone was dripping with sarcasm and a certain bitterness was stowed away behind it.

Shaking her head, Maya squeezed her eyes shut, steadying herself. "Stop."

He looked to the side before meeting her eyes again, letting out another dry laugh. "Stop what?"

"Making me out to be this perfect person!" Maya's tone grew gentler as she kept her eyes on his, her heart still beating a little quicker than usual. "I take those pills because I need them. Clearly a perfect person wouldn't be on Prozac, or…anything at all. Just because I'm in the right at the moment doesn't mean you're this terrible monster."

"I'm not? Then maybe you do not know me very well, Maya Matlin, because that's all I know how to be. All anyone sees me as. Terrible monster? Maybe not, but playing the part is only too easy when no one questions it. So tell me this- why are you questioning it?"

"Because…well, you said it yourself. Everyone thinks you're a certain way so it's easier to act like that. Miles, I know." Maya had picked up on this behavior months ago and hadn't forgotten. "I've seen that you can be good, you are good…you just make mistakes."

"This conversation is getting altogether too personal for me, and that is not what I intended" was Miles's response as he raised his hands in the air, signaling that he was not about to open up anymore. Maya hesitated but nodded her head. If this was months ago, she would have pushed him until he had admitted what was wrong, but she was exhausted and he was too. She made a mental note to check up on him now and then though- she wasn't going to completely ignore him after this.

"Okay…fine. But what am I supposed to do about my pills?"

He let out a slow breath, the fire in his eyes calming a little as his eyes rested on hers. He stayed like this for a moment before sliding his hand into his pocket, grabbing his wallet. "How much are they?"

Maya raised an eyebrow at this offer, the folders still tight against her body. "I can pay for my own pills."

"I know you can" he responded simply, snapping the wallet open before closing it again and pocketing it. "It's the least I can do, just…stop being stubborn for once and let me buy you the pills. You seem to forget that I'm a billionaire sometimes, this is really nothing."

She nodded her head, sighing slightly. "Fine. Okay, I won't fight you on this because I need the pills quickly. You can buy them for me. They're one-hundred for a month's worth of them." It felt odd talking about her pill dosage with Miles Hollingsworth of all people. Despite knowing her extremely well, he was still quite in the dark to her personal anxieties. Most of the time she had been helping him instead of the other way around. "But Miles? Why did you need my pills in the first place?"

Miles's eyes didn't convey anything in them as he responded. "It's not your problem. I can get you your pills back and we can put this behind us, act like it never happened…like you said, you have better things you're doing."

"They're not 'better things' if I'm doing them instead of helping you" she responded, her eyebrows lowering a little in defiance. "I am not going to stand here and act like I didn't just have this entire conversation with you! You clearly need some kind of help if you're taking my pills, and…that's okay. Pills are okay, maybe you can get some of your own."

At this suggestion, Miles simply looked embarrassed. He glanced down at the ground before making eye contact with her once more, shaking his head at once. "Maya, this is not your problem. I'm fine."

"You're fine." She repeated this phrase, defiance still blazing in her eyes. "Am I really supposed to believe that?"

"No, I'm…not perfectly alright, but it's manageable. Esme is helping me. Therapy is helping me. I really don't want to discuss this any further, so…can I give the pills to you tomorrow?"

Maya opened and closed her mouth, fighting the internal struggle to argue against everything he was saying. He couldn't be fine, obviously if he was desperate enough to take pills that weren't his, he wasn't fine… His family problems had to be still alive and well- she wasn't going to believe that everything was patched up nicely after the summer. She knew he was still struggling, she could feel it inside of her, reflecting in sadness of her own. "Yeah, okay. I think I can hold out until then, especially because I'll be at home."

"Yeah?" He nodded his head, taking in these words. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to cause you any harm…"

"Miles, it's okay." Maya knew now that Miles had been desperate, he needed the pills possibly more than she did. It definitely put things in perspective for her. "But if you steal from me again, I won't be so forgiving. Where um…do you want to meet?" She met his eyes again, biting the inside of her lip. It had been a long time since the two of them had gone anywhere together. "I don't really…oh, actually I'll be at The Dot during lunch break tomorrow. Zig and I have this date, and…" she broke off a little, noticing Miles's indifferent expression.

"Do you?" He nodded his head, his eyebrows raising. "So you two are still together. Good-good job, good for you."

A little confused, Maya's eyebrows knit together and she nodded slowly. "Yeah, why wouldn't we be?" She bent down to pick up her guitar, letting out a breath. "So um, I guess I'll see you there? You don't have to feel awkward or anything, it's not like you're intruding on our date-"

Miles cut her off instantly. "Oh, no need to worry about that. I have a date of my own…yeah, Esme and I are…well, we're something. I wouldn't worry about it."

She nodded at this statement slowly, having assumed from the start that Esme and Miles were only friends. She didn't know why his last words were repeating in her head over and over- maybe it was just strange to see Miles pursuing someone else. She had grown used to his love for her and it almost didn't feel right this way. Shaking her head quickly, Maya quickly shamed herself for these thoughts- since she had moved onto Zig, it would only make sense that Miles would eventually do the same. "Oh, that's great. I hope you two have fun."

"Oh, without a doubt" was his response, nodding his head sharply. "I'll see you then?"

"See you then."


	5. Chapter 5

Upon waking up in the morning, the dead weight in Maya's stomach told her that something was wrong- something was missing. It took a moment for her bleary mind to come to the conclusion, before yesterday's events flashed fresh in her mind and she sat up slowly in her bed. She still hadn't taken her pills and it had been a full twenty-four hours. She definitely felt more down than usual and it was harder to get herself out of bed than it had been for the past couple of months.

Once she got downstairs, Maya decided to comfort and take care of herself in the best way that she could. Therapy had taught her that besides looking out for other people, she also had to have her own best interests in mind. She was extremely selfless in nature and would constantly consume herself with other's problems, but this was avoidance behavior. Her own problems were a lot harder for her to piece together and try to help herself with, but putting in an effort would only be beneficial.

She made herself a cup of tea, stayed in her comfortable pajamas, and went back upstairs so she could rest in her bed before it was time to start getting ready for school. Pulling the covers over her body, Maya's mind strayed towards the conversation she had with Miles yesterday. Clutching the mug tightly to her chest, she felt she could freely think about these events now that she was alone.

She knew Miles- she knew him sometimes better than he knew himself, and one of the things she was positive about was that he wasn't a thief. He wouldn't steal something from someone else just to spite them. In fact, he would only really steal if he absolutely had to. She was convinced that he was clearly not okay at home, and wasn't much better at school either. Maya hadn't met his "friend" Esme yet and wanted to reserve all judgements until she met the girl, but deep down the questioned the girl's methods. A little part of her stomach was unsettled thinking about someone providing Miles with drugs that weren't even his. That and the fact that she wasn't exactly ready to warm up to someone who had stolen from her backpack definitely left mixed feelings in Maya's head about Esme Song.

At the beginning of the year, she had felt as if she barely knew Miles, but everything was making perfect sense to him now. If he was taking her anxiety pills, obviously something was going on in his life as per usual- probably something to do with his family issues. Maya's heart ached as she thought of everything the boy had already had to go through, and yet things still weren't great with him at home.

She was broken out of her deep thoughts about Miles, Esme and her pills as she heard her phone vibrating against her wooden nightstand. Slipping her glasses on and picking up her phone, she saw Zig's caller ID. It wasn't like they had the best relationship at the moment, especially after Zig had walked out on her because of her not wanting any sex, but he was familiar and she craved that. She wanted to be far away from her own problems. Zig never asked about her medication and at the moment, she was glad. It wasn't what she wanted to discuss.

Accepting the call and putting her phone up to her ear, she smiled slightly. "Hey."

"Maya, hey. You finally answered me. I sent you a bunch of texts, why didn't you answer?"

A little bemused, Maya propped herself up in bed so she could hold the phone and sip her tea at the same time. Her legs twisted together under the blankets a little, already hearing an accusing tone in Zig's voice. "Oh I um…well, Grace didn't tell you about what happened yesterday?"

"Yeah, she mentioned it. Said you had some kind of panic attack in the music room. Are you okay?" He added the last bit in a sightly offhand tone, but Maya didn't point this out. Sighing, she pushed back her blonde curls and paused for a moment. "I'm…better. I'll be fine."

She didn't know why she had no desire to talk about her pills in front of Zig- a small part of her was very afraid that he would judge her for it.

"Yeah? Good, I was worried about you. I didn't get to see you last night. Are we still on for today?" Zig's tone sounded hopeful, and Maya hesitated a moment.

"Well, I am super tired, but of course we're still on for today."

"Great, that's great, Maya…but hey, what was going on yesterday? You didn't have time to answer one of my texts? You kind of just disappeared in the middle of class and I couldn't find you afterwards."

"Oh, um." Maya closed her eyes tiredly, running her fingers through her hair. Her brain felt a little cluttered because of the lack of pills, but she desperately tried to keep up the conversation. "Yeah. Well. Turns out Miles was the one who…well, he got in trouble for taking my pills. That was why I had the panic attack." She was talking quietly now, feeling a little insecure telling her boyfriend this.

"Hollingsworth did that to you? I always thought he looked kind of shifty. You'd think with his parent's money he could buy himself all the pills in the world but he has to go and steal yours. Typical." Zig snorted slightly and Maya bit her lip a little.

"Well that's actually what I was up to. I was talking to him, and-"

"Why were you even talking to him, isn't he a pill thief?" She could practically see Zig rolling his eyes through the phone. "The guy's bad, Maya. Thought you knew to stay away from him a long time ago after he torched the halls of Degrassi."

"Okay, that's a little of an overstatement" began Maya, Miles's defense on the tip of her tongue, but was interrupted for what felt like the millionth time by Zig.

"He still torched the place. You'd think a little community service would teach him that he's over-privlaged. I bet he's never worked a day in is life. Why'd he steal the pills, just to mess with you?"

"No, he just…he needed them." Maya paused for a moment, placing her tea down on the bedside table. Her legs shifted a little under the table, still a little uneasy. "But I told him how wrong it was to steal meds from someone else, and he got the picture. I mean, he's not a thief. Do we have to talk about this? We only talked for a minute, and-"

"About what? You mentioned me, right? Your boyfriend."

"Why would I bring my boyfriend up in a conversation about my pills? We're not the same person, Zig. We're not attached at the hip. I don't know if you knew this, but I talk about other things when you're not around. Surprising, right?" Maya's tone was playful, but the words were true. When she wasn't around Zig, she barely thought of him at all.

"Alright, alright. I get it. You've got your pills back, right?"

"No, actually. Miles is meeting me at The Dot today so he can give them to me. He…ended up flushing them, so he's buying me new ones."

"In exchange for what?" Zig's voice still sounded accusatory as if he didn't believe a word Maya was saying.

"What do you mean? He knows what he did is wrong, Zig. That's why he's buying the pills for me. He must know all about withdrawal and understand how much I need them. I've felt like crap this past twenty four hours and I won't be able to think clearly until that pill is in my system."

"Wait, so he's interrupting our date?"

Maya took advantage of the fact that her and Zig were not face to face and quickly rolled her eyes. Of course Zig would skip past the details of the pills actually helping her and care most about the part where their date would be interrupted. "Yeah, kind of but he's helping. Our date would be ruined even more if I sat there all scatterbrained without my medication."

Maya sighed to fill the silence on the phone, wishing Zig would give her some kind of caring affirmation, tell her that she was going to be okay. Maybe even offer to try and help her. None came. Picking at the end of her blanket, she didn't find herself surprised but disappointment was still evident in her voice. "So I'll see you at The Dot during lunch?"

"Sure thing. See you there."

Zig hung up before she did and the blonde girl spent a moment looking at her phone, staring a bit blankly at her boyfriend's caller ID. She never asked him for much- knowing his financial situation and the inability to take her to nice places, Maya couldn't care less. What she really craved was more than just a physical touch. She wanted someone who she could share her feelings and problems with- without being laughed off like they were nothing or judged tremendously. She just wanted care and acceptance, and she had never gotten much of that from Zig. He had seemed alright at first but as the duration of their relationship increased, his care began to wane.

Sighing heavily, Maya finished her tea and managed to push herself to leave her bed. She brushed through her curly hair and straightened her glasses, picking out a skirt to wear with her top.

School was a difficult feat for her- it triggered her anxiety more than just sitting at home did, but luckily her thoughts were far away from incidents that she never wanted to cross her mind again. Every time she could see Cam in her mind, trying to push himself back into her thoughts, she would muster up as much inner strength as she could and push him out. It wasn't as if she didn't still care for him, but all of the memories of him turned sour as quick as they started. No matter what happy memories she held of him, they always ended with his death- always.

As the bell rang for lunch, Maya grabbed up her backpack immediately and almost ran to her locker. She checked her reflection in the mirror, her blue eyes looking a little washed out this morning, probably due to her exhaustion. She ran her fingers through her hair a couple of times and slammed the locker shut, taking the short walk to The Dot.

Zig was already sitting there, glancing around and evidently waiting for Maya. Hoping he hadn't been waiting for her too long, she made her way over to his table and offered him a smile. "Hey! I made it here in one piece, aren't you surprised?"

"No way, you're Maya aren't you? You can do anything." Zig greeted her with a short kiss that she reciprocated in turn, her lips pursed slightly. Where had this encouragement been over the phone?

"Can I? I don't know…I feel super run down right now." She looked across the table with Zig, maintaining eye contact with him and trying to let out her innermost thoughts. "It's been really scary without my meds to rely on."

"Well you look great" Zig responded, taking her hand from across the table and squeezing it. "You know, for someone who's so run down, you'd think you wouldn't look so hot." He fell silent at Maya's glare, quickly backpedaling. "I mean- look, I'm sure you'll be fine once you've got the pills. That way you can focus on your boyfriend more."

"I am focusing on you" Maya responded, snapping back to reality. She had been glancing out of the window a couple of times, waiting for Miles to arrive. Sitting back in her seat, she bit the inside of her lip. Despite only wanting to see him so she could get her pills, she couldn't help but feel curious about Esme and what she was like. "What'd you get up to last night?"

Zig's eyebrows lowered a little at this response, his grip on her hand tight. "Huh? I tried to call you but you weren't there so I hung out a little with Grace and Tiny and passed out for the night."

Maya nodded and squeezed his hand in return, her eyes still darting back and forth between the window and her boyfriend. It wasn't until a couple minutes later that Maya spotted Miles accompanied around with a girl. She looked around Maya's height, but the similarities ended there. As she glanced at his arm over her shoulders and how she stared up at him with a half-smile, she wondered if they really were together.

It was a bit of an effort, but she focused back in on Zig. "Um, do you want to do something more special?" She had blurted this out all in one breath, and realized her boyfriend needed more of an explanation. "I mean. Do you want to maybe have a date, a special one? I can plan it if you want, set up candles and all of that cheesy crap as you call it-"

"Oh, and what will be happening during this date?" Zig smirked at her a little and leaned forwards, only to be stopped by Maya's hand on his chest.

"Hey, we're in public!" Maya shook her head and folded her arms back under her. "I just figured it's been awhile since we've gone on a real date, and maybe we're due for one. We can talk, and…"

She was drowned out by the bell at the door signaling Miles's arrival. Biting the inside of her lip, Maya still kept her eyes on Zig although she could see the pair out of the corner of her eyes. "Oh, that's Miles…hey, can you hang on a moment?"

Maya pecked her boyfriend's lips before hopping up, her backpack on her shoulder and curiosity still fresh in her brain. Up close, Esme was extremely pretty with her dark thick hair and glinting eyes. Miles looked worse for the wear, his eyes darting all around the shop like they had been the last time Maya had spoken to him. Dark circles were even more prominent under his eyes and his hair slightly hung in his face.

He spotted Maya first and his features morphed into recognition, nudging Esme and mumbling something to the girl before addressing Maya. "Maya Matlin, early as usual. You make me feel awfully impolite by keeping you waiting with your…boyfriend."

At this last word, he chuckled a little and cast a dark look in Zig's direction. He was sitting at the table on his phone, seemingly oblivious to the look Miles was giving him. Maya rolled her eyes slightly, crossing her arms over her chest. "Well if you don't want to feel impolite, maybe you should arrive earlier."

Esme cut in after Maya's response, looking as if she couldn't wait to address the blonde in front of her. "Miles, you were completely right! She is sassy. But also very sweet." Esme's eyes swept Maya with a calculating look before letting out a laugh. "Too sweet. You know- vanilla sweet. Plain Jane looks amazing on her. Knee-high skirt, spectacles, two-strap backpack…Oh, I know her type." Esme was smiling at Maya brightly as if she couldn't imaging doing anything else than standing in The Dot and talking to her, but her eyes were glinting with malice.

"And what's your type, standing in the middle of a coffee shop and poking fun at strangers?" Maya wasn't in the mood to be sized up by someone who she had never spoken to in her life- these words would have insulted her more if she was in her right mind, but pills were the thing she needed.

As the girl beside him laughed at Maya, Miles made no move to stop her but didn't join in. In fact, his mind seemed to be completely elsewhere. His eyes never stayed in one place for very long and his grip on Esme's shoulders had long since slackened. Maya noticed his fingers twisting together slightly anxiously and decided to get straight to the point.

"Okay, so clearly you have something for me." Maya held out her hand and looked at Miles expectantly, wanting nothing more than to take her seat next to Zig and resume talking about their date. The way Esme was scrutinizing her almost made Maya feel as if she was being x-rayed. It was very uncomfortable.

"That I do" was Miles's mumbled reply, reaching into the pocket of his bag and drawing out a brand new bottle of anxiety medication. Maya felt a rush in her chest as soon as she saw it- everything was going to be okay. She would be able to think clearly, and continue to get things done as she wanted.

Her eyes still on Maya as the blonde accepted the drugs, Esme continued speaking. "I never took you as someone who would need happy pills to get through the day, Maya. I think Miles enjoyed your pills very much, didn't you Miles?" She turned her face to look up at the boy next to her who rubbed his face in exhaustion.

"I should leave, the withdrawal is kicking in again and I am not in the mood" he mumbled to her softly without a glance in Maya's direction.

Catching these words, Maya continued to listen to their exchange as she uncapped her water bottle and popped the pill into her mouth. She caught Esme explaining something about going off pills being easy and Miles breaking in with dissent. "Miles…are you alright?"

"Yes, Maya. I am absolutely fine, and I would appreciate it if you could walk back to your boyfriend now." Miles wasn't even looking at Maya as he uttered the last sentence and the blonde scoffed in retaliation.

"You were only telling me yesterday about how much you needed those pills, how much you wanted them to help you. Clearly if you're that hooked on them, something is wrong. Could you maybe-"

"No. You've done enough." Miles replied shortly, looking more tired than she had ever seen him before. Turning to Esme, he spoke almost through clenched teeth. "I don't care what you say, I say I've had enough. Either hold up your end of the bargain and tell me how to manage this, or what we have right now is not something I will be involved in any longer."

Esme let out an amused laugh at these words, stepping away from him. "As if you won't come crawling back to me once you realize that you're doomed…and I have all the solutions you need right up here in my head. But go ahead, humor me." Her smile faded as Miles moved away from her, pushing the door of The Dot open and exiting.

Without acknowledging Maya's presence, the dark-haired girl simply smoothed out her skirt and walked over to the counter to order herself a drink. Feeling refreshed and a lot more sharp as the pill worked it's way into her system, Maya wondered what was wrong with Miles and where he was going. She glanced over at Esme one more time, but the girl seemed in no hurry to talk to Miles or try and make amends with him. Glancing in the opposite direction, she saw Zig still on his phone.

Making a split decision, the blonde girl swung her backpack over her shoulder and exited The Dot, following in the path that she had seen Miles take. It only took her a few moments of walking until she saw him, his back up against the side of the building and his hand against his chest. He seemed to be short of breath, his chest rising and falling at a scarily quick pace. His face was devoid of any color and he seemed to be shivering slightly. Maya knew these symptoms all too well- he was having a panic attack.

She dropped the bag off her shoulder and forgot about being discreet- she knew how terrifying attacks were and if this was his first one, dealing with it alone would be ten times worse. Running up to him, her eyes widened in concern. "Miles! Miles, calm down, look at me, I'm here."

Confusion flashed across the boy's features but he didn't question her presence, not being able to fight back anymore with the delusion that he was 'fine' when he was practically coming undone in front of her. His chest was still heaving and his breaths sounded pained.

Knowing he wouldn't be able to communicate very well, Maya managed to keep a cool demeanor. Her heart was racing as well and it hurt to see Miles like this, but he needed her help as soon as possible. "Okay, okay…hey, look at me. Look down at me, come on. See? I'm here, you're not alone. That's something." She determinedly plowed on, not breaking eye contact with him. "You're having a panic attack, just…sit down, okay?" She made to gently grip his arms, but he pulled away and shook his head.

His face contorting with the effort, he responded with dissent. "No. Have to…have to stand…stand up straight."

Maya's eyebrows lowered in deep confusion, her heart racing. "What? No-no, that's not how it works. Miles, just look, trust me okay? Hey." She grabbed Miles by his upper arms in a gentle but firm manner, trying not to betray any of her fear. "Do you trust me?"

Miles was completely silent other than the sounds of his heavy breaths, his eyes looking vulnerable. "She…said not to. Breathe…breathe through chest." His hand pressed against his chest for emphasis and Maya's eyebrows furrowed even more.

"What?! No, that's really dangerous! You have to breathe through your stomach or else all of that air coming in and out will stay the same! You have to change the pattern. Who is she- who told you this?" She kept the grip on his arms in case he was in danger of collapsing or growing faint.

"Esme…" he choked the name out in a single breath. "Said…she said it would help…"

"Okay, well that is not going to help a panic attack." Maya, with as much force as she could muster, forced Miles downwards until he was in a sitting position against the wall of the building. Making sure he was secure, she grabbed the hand that was clutched against his chest and redirected it downwards to his stomach. "Do you feel that? It's your diaphragm. That's what you need to be breathing through, okay?"

After a couple more heavy breaths, Miles hazily nodded, his eyes fixed on hers as he pressed his hand flat against his stomach. She could see his stomach moving under the hand as he took great gulps of air into his lungs.

"No, no, you can't breathe like that." Maya had to keep her voice controlled, knowing that if she panicked, he would too. "Close your eyes. Deep breathing is going to help you, okay? I promise. Miles, I promise." It was a difficult feat to gain the boy's attention- he was still looking into her eyes but his breathing didn't change in the slightest.

Lowering her voice, Maya tried to speak to him in a calmer, soothing way that didn't sound accusatory. "Breathe in. Pause for a moment. Breathe out again. Just…do it slowly. I swear this works, I've done this before…look, I can even do it with you." She reverted into the deep breathing to demonstrate to Miles how this was done, her stomach rising and falling slowly as she took long breaths. She gently placed a hand on his shoulder for comfort, squeezing it lightly as she heard his breaths slowing down.

After a few moments, he was breathing steadily, the panic in his eyes melting away a little. He grabbed her hand that was on his shoulder, squeezing it a little. He was gripping her hand so hard that it hurt, but Maya let him do whatever it took to get him better again. She waited silently and patiently as Miles began to improve. He stopped shaking and was now breathing in a steady rhythm. A little color was beginning to form in his face and he was no longer panicking.

After a minute, Miles looked at the girl who was knelt down next to him, her hand crushed by his lager hand and her concerned eyes never wavering from his. Sitting up slightly against the wall, he let out a slow breath and slackened his grip on her a little. "Maya...Thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

Maya was sitting in the grass on the side of The Dot next to a recovered Miles, still reeling from his panic attack. Her fingers were laced together messily with his because he had been gripping her hand, and her legs were tucked under her. Her chest was still rising and falling from what had happened and he looked almost as relieved as she felt.

"It stopped" was his only comment for a moment, his eyes in front of them as he watched the cars drive by. "It stopped for the first time. It's never done that before…I've always had to wait it out and sit through who knows how long of mental torture. I was getting damn sick of that too. You're a genius." He directed this next comment to Maya, nodding slightly in her direction.

Maya let out a soft breath to compensate for her laughter, her voice still having trouble coming out from the shock. "I'm not a genius, I just…know how to do things. It's all scientific, I learned it from my therapist." There was a silence, but not an awkward one- like the ones Maya would sit through when she tried to explain her therapy sessions to Zig. She would tell him that she was working on exposure therapy or cognitive behavioral symptoms, and he would seem a bit distant afterwards.

Turning her body slightly so she could face Miles, she let out a shaky breath. "Did you feel me shaking at all? You're not the only one who was totally terrified."

"No, no, you did very well. Coached me practically." He wasn't smiling but his tone was slightly lighter as he continued. "Who said that I was terrified? Maybe I like collapsing in the grass every Tuesday only for a highly qualified Maya Matlin to help me out of it."

"Okay, you're making jokes." Her tone betrayed the slightest amount of amusement as she took in his words. "Which I'm assuming means that you're feeling a little better?" She paused a moment, comfortable silence enveloping her so much that she almost didn't want to ruin it by speaking. "There's actually some good news about panic attacks. So basically- they can only last for three minutes."

Miles raised an eyebrow at this information, still slumped against the wall but no longer struggling to breathe. "That's the time I take to start up my car. How can that be true if I've had trouble breathing for hours at a time? Certainly not the measly three minutes you're talking about."

"Well that's the catch- the thing with anxiety is…if you're not willing to help yourself, your body won't just morph itself into being better. You have to get your brain in gear and the physical stuff will follow. My therapist told me that it only takes three minutes for your body to stop the adrenaline reaction to whatever kind of anxiety you're feeling." Maya paused for a moment, feeling almost light as she spoke the words. It made her feel a small sense of joy to be helping someone new to this experience, especially someone she cared for immensely. "If you stop a panic attack as soon as it starts, the reaction only has to last for three minutes."

Miles's eyebrows were still raised skeptically as she began to speak, but they began to lower a little as he listened to the words. He let out a dry laugh, his voice sounding tired to match his already exhausted face. "Stop a panic attack as soon as it starts, you say? Easier said than done."

"Do you honestly think I don't already know that?" Maya raised her eyebrows, looking him in the eyes. "Trust me, it's terrifying. But knowing that it will pass kind of keeps me sane in the moment. If you ever feel it coming on, try the deep breathing that I taught you. Really deep, slow ones through your stomach. I…don't know exactly why this works. My therapist said something about it changing your breathing and the air in your lungs."

Miles was silent for a moment, looking very pensive as he stared ahead. Finally speaking, he sounded extremely vulnerable. "Esme….she was saying things, completely different things than what you were just telling me. She told me I needed to stand up straight to fend off a panic attack…said I needed to breathe rapidly through my chest to get everything going correctly. Funny thing about her advice- it never worked." His voice had a bitter note of betrayal in it, and Maya bit her lip slightly.

"Look, I don't know why she would say that to you, but with that combo you'll be steered into an even more severe panic attack. You should never breathe through your chest when you're having trouble getting air in and out naturally." Her voice wasn't scolding, it remained calm as she explained this to him.

"I'm trying to piece this together myself…why the hell would she do that to me? Steer me in the wrong direction and watch me flounder helplessly?"

"Maybe she got the advice really really wrong?" Maya knew she was grasping at straws as her shoulders lifted slightly in a shrug. Miles turned his head to look at her, tilting his head back in a skeptical way.

"Yes, perhaps you're right. She could have gotten the advice really wrong. The first time." The bitter tone was set back in his voice as he returned his attention to the cars passing on the street. "Or the second time. Or, how about I'll humor her, the third time. She's been steering me into panic attacks over and over again. Why?"

Maya had no idea how to answer this question. "Out of spite?"

"Yes, because the second I get someone who actually says they care about me, it's too good to be true. I knew it was too good to be true." His eyes shifted downwards at the grass. Maya shook her head, not having any of that. Scooting closer to him, she sighed.

"I care about you!"

"I know you do. I didn't mean to leave you out when you're the only one in this goddamn place that went after me. Hell, I didn't even deserve it. You should have left me out here to collapse like everyone else in that cafe did. I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest considering everyone who says they care disappears after awhile." He took a long breath. "The point is…Esme lied to me. For whatever reason, she lied straight to my face. You were truthful though. You're always truthful."

"What kind of cruel, awful person do you think I am, Miles Hollingsworth?" The corners of Maya's mouth turned upwards a little. "Are you even listening to yourself? Your attitude about everything is…well, it's basically your demise! You're strong. You're capable, aren't you?"

"At the moment? I feel the opposite." He turned to her once more, his expression serious. "Maya. Can you…could you help me? I never want to feel this helpless again. I'm so sick of everything beating down on me like another weight on my shoulders."

She let out a small breath before nodding earnestly. "Of course. Miles, of course I will. It doesn't matter how long you'll take to grasp it, but I'll help you along the way. Some people take a really long time to stop a panic attack in it's tracks but I believe in you."

He gave her a wry smile at these words. "You believe in me. Those are words I haven't heard leave anyone's mouth before. It's a bit foreign, could you say it again for me just to make sure I haven't slipped into a state of dreaming?"

"I believe in you. Really." Her eyes traveled down to their intertwined fingers and she opened her mouth slightly. "Oh uh…my hand. I think you've bruised it a little bit."

"What?" His eyes shot down to their hands, seeming to notice this for the first time. He was still grasping her delicate hand pretty tightly. Releasing it, his eyes bloomed with slight concern. "Is your hand alright? I normally don't have such a-"

"A brute grip?" She smiled a bit, pulling her hand back and examining it slightly. "I'll live. It takes a lot more than that to finish me off."

"I know that. You're pretty tough- even if you wear fuzzy slippers to bed." A small smile tugged at his lips as he watched her massage her hand, looking a lot more relaxed and at ease.

Maya scowled slightly, leaning back against the brick wall. "Is that a thing now? We're not together anymore so you can make fun of things you thought were funny?"

"Well that is a perk" Miles replied, running his hand through his hair. His expression had softened a little but he still looked completely exhausted. "Although it may just be because I'm tired, but I can't think of much right now."

Maya's smile faded a little as she gave him a questioning look, glancing back at The Dot for a moment. "So uh…your friend Esme, does she…? Does she hate me or something?" She couldn't help but voice this concern- the dark-haired girl had displayed malice directed at Maya back in the coffee shop for seemingly no reason. The blonde could have been imagining this malice because of her anxiety- she remembered when Jonah had gotten into the argument with her and it had seemed a lot worse at the peak of her anxiety.

"Does she?" Miles looked genuinely puzzled at this statement, his eyebrows shooting upwards for a moment. "She's my girlfriend." Not overlooking Maya's gaze, he continued on. "But however, that doesn't mean I can't point out her flaws. She's not the nicest to other people, I know that. I'm sure you're not absolved of that?"

"But why?" Maya let the words sink in that Miles was dating someone, Esme Song out of all people. It was a difficult image to picture, but that wasn't her main concern at the moment. "I mean, I don't think she likes me very much. You'd think after she stole pills from me, she'd have a little humility."

"Ah. Yes, that. 'Humility' isn't exactly a very prevalent word in the Esme Song guidebook of feelings. She was very proud of herself." He said this unsmilingly, the guilt still fresh in his eyes from causing Maya so much pain and confusion. "But uh…she's my girlfriend. She probably does hate you, now that I think of it. She's a girl- jealousy and girls always seem to go hand in hand."

"Jealous? I doubt she's jealous of me." Maya brushed this off quickly, shaking her head. "I mean, she was calling me plain and sizing me up and…well, it was kind of strange."

Miles shook his head, rubbing his eyes slightly. "Maya, you can't be serious. You can't honestly think everything out of that girl's mouth is true- look at you, you're…an extremely pretty girl, you're very talented." His eyes flickered from her face down to her feet before snapping back ahead of him. "I'm not surprised a lot of guys are taken with you."

"Well…a lot of guys aren't taken with me" she replied honestly, thinking of Zig. This somehow only made her feel worse. She looked down at her lap and gently played with the ends of her hair. "And the plain thing. Am I plain?" Her eyes flitted back towards Miles just in time to see him roll his eyes up to the sky.

Chuckling, he replied. "God, no. I'm pretty sure everyone, including me, is plain in Esme's books. But uh, definitely not. You have this bright blonde hair and a gigantic smile, I could see you coming from a mile back. Catches the attention very easily."

Maya nodded her head, her lips twisting into a small smile at the compliment. "Thanks." Listing her chin more, she continued to gaze at Miles. "I could see you coming from a mile away too, but that could just be because you're really tall."

Miles chuckled softly and as he did, she was brought back to reality by the vibration of her phone. It might have been vibrating for awhile but this was the first time she had noticed it. Quickly pulling her phone out of her backpack, she groaned ever so slightly. There were twelve different texts from Zig and a couple of missed calls.

Miles raised an eyebrow, sifting slightly so he could sit up better against the brick wall. Sparing a glance at Maya's phone which was practically blown up with notifications, he spoke. "I'm guessing you have boyfriend priorities?"

"Yeah, I…" The blonde broke off a little, glancing up at her phone to shoot Miles an apologetic look. After sending a short text to Zig to keep him at bay for long enough, she quickly tucked her phone into her bag. "I don't have to leave, I mean." She shook her head earnestly. "Zig is my boyfriend and everything, but if you need me…"

Miles interjected gently, shaking his head. "The last thing I want to do is take up more of your time, especially time with your boyfriend. Knowing him, he'd blame me for you ignoring him."

"Yeah, but…are you gonna be okay?"

Miles's jaw clenched hard, still looking out at the cars in front of him. He seemed to be fighting some internal battle with himself before finally turning to face her, apologies ready in his eyes. "No. No, I'm not, Maya. I normally wouldn't even bother you with my mess but as no one else is bothering to listen…"

"No one's listened to you?" Maya frowned softly, her phone long forgotten in her bag.

"Tried to tell Tristan and he looked at me like I had about three heads." Miles didn't seem shocked or indignant about this behavior- just annoyed "Tristan is the type of person who…well, he likes to talk about himself. Anything else comes up and he's already somewhere else."

"Yeah, but what about Esme?"

"Maya, I can't leave her." He said this quickly, now turning so he could look at her properly. "She isn't the most stable person, and I'm genuinely scared of what will happen if I just cut things off with her. I know she supplies me with pills but sometimes I can pretend it's helping." He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again to look at the blonde girl. "She's like an unbinding contract, which is ridiculous as hell, but…"

"But I'm here." She half-glanced back at The Dot before continuing. "And if you ever need someone to talk to about that kind of stuff, I'm here. Okay?"

"Thank you. For everything you've done for me. I…have absolutely no idea why you'd want to stick around me for this long, but I'm not complaining. You're really an amazing girl, Maya. Don't forget that." He smiled at her, a real one, and she couldn't help but smile back.

Knowing that Miles needed some kind of support, she wasn't going to hesitate to give that to him. She hadn't planned on having Miles back in her life as anything, but here he was in front of her and her willingness to help him was still there.

"Well I am sticking by you. I promise."


	7. Chapter 7

It was the night before a big test coming up in the rubber room, and predictably, Grace and Maya were doing anything but studying. Maya's brain had been all over the place recently and since the two of them were now in the same band, they had a lot more to discuss than just history.

"Come on, seriously!" Maya had been trying to convince Grace to try out a certain shade of her nail polish all afternoon, but to no avail. As she waved the pale orange color in the girl's face, Grace wrinkled her nose a little and swatted it away dismissively.

"Like that stuff's going on my nails. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not the pastel kind of girl. For you- yes. For me- not so much." Grace laughed dryly and leaned over her textbook, copying a couple of answers from Maya's paper while the blonde was distracted.

Maya's eyes didn't miss this movement, and she sat back down on her floor with a playful glare. "You've been stealing my homework answers all afternoon, so I think it's only fair that I make your nails pale orange. Come on, I wear this one all the time!" She held up the bottle and gave her friend her best puppy eyes. A pillow was thrown at her face in response.

Huffing, the blonde seized the pillow and tossed it back, placing the nail polish down on her floor. Picking up her pen, she began to sort through her answers to make sure they were correct. "Okay, you are seriously not fair. Your go-to in any situation is either running away from my nail polish and I, or throwing something at my head."

"And she's not completely clueless" Grace joked, rolling her eyes at her friend's comment. She grabbed the pillow back from between them and stuffed it into her lap as she tried to concentrate. "Besides, do you really want to play that game, Matlin? I catch you stealing my answers in math all the time so this can consider us even." After underlining an answer, Grace's eyes lifted a little as she heard Maya's phone vibrate.

Maya didn't miss a beat, continuing to write out answers as her eyes scanned the textbook. Stretching her leg out, Grace nudged Maya with her boot. "Hey, Matlin. Boyfriend in hot pursuit. Better go see what that's about."

"Huh? Oh…" Maya's eyes were averted from her history book as her phone vibrated, glancing down at Zig's caller ID. It was a large internal struggle deciding what to do in this situation. If she ignored his calls, he'd become angry with her and grow more possessive than ever. If she picked up on the other hand, she would have to talk to someone she really didn't want to talk to at the moment. After she had almost let him take advantage of her again with sex, she felt a bit dirty. It felt almost morally wrong not to stand up against him, and yet she hadn't done that yet- only ignored him.

Grace must have seen some of this internal struggle come out on Maya's face, because comprehension dawned a little on her own features. Closing her own textbook, she scooted a little closed to her friend. "Uh, what's happening? Novak is pretty annoying, but I'm pretty sure veins don't pop out of my forehead when I talk to the guy."

Maya felt especially vulnerable under Grace's calculating expression- she remembered the girls' reaction when she had seen the hickeys on Maya's neck and the blonde's reluctance to talk about the situation. Sometimes, Maya felt as though Grace was reading her mind. This was not a good feeling, especially since her feelings towards Zig at the moment were difficult to broadcast to anyone else. Part of her felt like Zig would deny that he had ever treated Maya wrong, and everyone would believe him.

Swallowing thickly, Maya smoothed out her history worksheet and tried to keep a calm, neutral expression on her face. "What do you mean? My veins are where they should be on my face."

"Yeah, now they are." Grace dismissed her previous words, pursing her lips as her eyebrows furrowed together. Glancing down at Maya's phone, she watched Zig's third call ring out into silence. "What's up? You two seemed happy the other day and now you're ignoring him. Right after those huge-ass potato chip hickies appeared on your neck." Letting her pen fall to the floor, she wrinkled her nose. "Is there a little Novak growing in your belly or what?"

"What?!" Maya's own pen dropped to the floor at these words, looking down at her stomach a couple of times before turning back to Grace. "Grace, come on, that's ridiculous."

"You know what's really ridiculous? Ignoring the guy you supposedly love after having sex with him. You know how he gets, he turns into a lost puppy when you're not attached at the hip…or lip, should I say." She rolled her eyes, her expression still serious. "Either your relationship is fine or it's not- but we should be close enough friends that you wouldn't have to lie to me." Grace deadpanned this last sentence, and Maya's stomach flip-flopped a little from the anxiety of the situation.

Sighing, she pushed her book away from her and pursed her lips. "Nothing! It's nothing. He just- he always wants to have sex. Like he always…just wants to have sex, and he never wants to do anything else."

"Were you expecting alternative behavior from a teenage boy who hangs around in the rubber room all day?" Grace's eyebrow was raised apprehensively, clearly listening for the second part of this story.

"Yeah! I was, actually. Because…" Maya took a small breath and looked up before meeting Grace's eyes again. "Because sex shouldn't' be some kind of…deal breaker in a relationship. It should just be a thing that happens when it happens, but to want it all the time…I'm busy, and it's exhausting. He just pushes me away, that's what he does! When it's not his way for a change, he guilts me into it and-"

"Woah woah woah, guilts you into it? 'It' had better not be in reference to sex." Grace's hand was raised as she interjected, the line between her eyebrows more prominent than ever.

Maya opened her mouth and closed it again, knowing that Zig was Grace's friend and still feeling her stomach doing flip-flips. This silence seemed to compensate for what Maya was thinking, and Grace understood immediately. Silent rage flashed before her eyes for a moment before they looked down, her expression still serious.

"So you're telling me that he's into sex and you're not?"

"No, no- that's not what I'm saying." Maya brushed a curl away from her eyes, feeling frustrated that her words weren't coming out the way that they always did in her head when she was thinking about Zig.

"Then what exactly are you saying, because I'm no fortune teller."

"I just sometimes don't want the sex and he does!" Maya threw her hands up, pushing her legs out and crossing her arms across her chest. Somehow, this statement made her feel extremely exposed. Grace's reaction didn't help.

Sitting up a little, the dark-haired girl's lips twisted downwards. "He wants sex. You don't. So he's raping you?"

Maya's eyes widened instantly, her mouth falling open a little in surprise. While she considered Zig's constant expectations of sex tiring and daunting and a little scary, she always thought of it as 'sex.' "No! No. No, that's not even it. You know what, I think I'm gonna get a drink or something and-"

"No way in hell." Grace shook her head firmly, glancing towards Maya's open door. She shot up and bolted it shut before returning to the floor, taking a seat next to Maya. "Sex that isn't consensual is rape."

Maya squirmed a little, her mind flashing back to what happened to Zoe at the party last year. She had always pictured assault as something forced and violent, not something done between two people who said they loved each other. "How do I know if it's consensual?" She asked this very quietly.

"Easy. Did you say yes?"

"I don't recall."

"Have you said no?"

"Couple times, yeah."

Maya panicked a little at Grace's look. Even though she knew deep, deep down that her friend did mean well and always seemed to be right, she didn't want to be raped. It wasn't exactly a choice in the matter and she might have been being immature about it, but the thought was too terrifying to process. "No, but…look, Zig's my boyfriend. He's said that he would never hurt me and-"

"Then he lied, Maya!" Grace was exasperated, shaking her head. "Listen to you, you sound stupid! He doesn't get to decide whether he's hurt you or not. That's all on you, and…God, I need to record this on tape so you can listen to your own petty excuses. Enough people are going to make excuses for the guy without you hopping on the bandwagon too. Zig clearly has you brainwashed. Coercion. It's a thing."

"Excuse me?" Maya shot up off the wall, stung. "I am not stupid! He is, okay? Always wanting sex no matter what time of the day it is, guilt tripping me when I actually have the courage to say no to him, begging for me to forgive him only to talk about sex the moment he's in my good books again…"

"Then why are you with him?" Grace glared defiantly.

Maya glared right back, her frustration towards Zig finally coming out for the first time. "Because I'm scared to leave him! And…and, I don't know. At the beginning of the relationship, he was really sweet. He was a good boyfriend-"

"Or did you just see him as a good boyfriend because that's what you wanted after you broke up with Moneybags?" Grace's eyes had cooled down a little.

"What? No. Miles has nothing to do with this." The blonde shook her head, a crease forming between her eyebrows. "I was just used to…I don't know, different treatment. Clearly I was wrong. Maybe I am just a doormat."

Maya crossed her arms and stared ahead as silence developed in the room, her stomach twisting in guilt for actually telling someone else what she was feeling. Sighing, Grace scooted a little close to her before lightly wrapping her arm around Maya's shoulders.

"I came off a bit harsh. You needed to see things my way, that's all." Grace's expression contorted slightly with anger, glancing down at Maya's phone. "I'm five seconds away from beating him up, because what you just told me is pretty fucked up. Look, Matlin." Her eyes met Maya's as she let out a sigh. "You can't ever let a guy make you feel bad about your own personal choices like that. Your business."

"I know." She sighed and slowly leaned her head down, resting it on Grace's shoulder. "I know, which is why I need to put a stop to this. This isn't me. When have I ever let someone tell me how to act before?"

Grace snorted, nodding in agreement. "You're about the most stubborn person I've ever met. Besides myself of course."

"How could you leave yourself out?" A small smile crept onto Maya's face, rolling her eyes. "After all, you are the one who stopped talking to me for like a week after I brought your headphones to school."


	8. Chapter 8

Maya had barely had time to collect her thoughts as she walked into school that morning, still thinking of the conversation she and Grace had about Zig. She supposed that a part of her always knew that Zig wasn't quite right for her, but she had tried. He was in stark contract from Miles or Cam- both of them had been more fair with her and always considered her feelings first. It was unlike Maya to let a boy dictate what she was going to do, even if that wasn't exactly what she had been trying to let happen.

Sighing, she went through her backpack and clasped her hand around her bottle of pills, just in case. After they had been stolen, she had been carefully watching the bottle and taking it with her wherever she went. She couldn't afford to be off of them again and have another panic attack- they were only going to get in the way of her music.

She barely had time to look over her newly composed song before a girl had turned the corner and ended up face to face with Maya. She stared into the eyes of Esme song, who unfortunately, didn't look in a very good mood. Her hair was messily braided and her eyes were slightly puffy as if she had been crying.

While feeling a small stab of pity for her, Maya's heart couldn't quite fully go out for the girl who had stolen her pills out of her bag and bragged about it the next day. Raising an eyebrow, she made eye contact with the darker-haired girl. "Did you read the posters and want to try out for my band? The spots are still open, I think we need a drummer."

"Cut the sarcasm" Esme replied through clenched teeth, evidently angry as well as upset. Her eyes followed Maya's movements as she placed her music sheets into her locker and closed it, before making eye contact with the blonde once more. "Once again, Maya Matlin swoops in and steals the heart of Miles Hollingsworth. Seriously, one flip of your curls and your dimpled smile, and you could get him to fall for you. Out of all boys- why him?" With narrowed eyes, she quickly quipped a jab at Maya. "You should go for his friend, Winston. He's more your speed."

"Maybe you should go for Zig, you both seem to love ganging up on me." Maya wasn't in the mood for Esme's accusations, and assumed that the girl was being delusional. "I have no idea what you're talking about. How am I stealing Miles's heart?"

"At The Dot yesterday. You both left together." Esme's lips were very tightly pursed together. It was strange- she looked incredibly angry and ready to strike, but also ready to burst into tears.

"Yeah, to go back to school" Maya replied immediately, with a shrug of her shoulders. "Besides, I wasn't getting him to 'fall for me', I was helping him with his anxiety. It was hardly romantic." She pulled her bag higher up on her shoulder and regarded Esme.

"Well you can stop 'helping him with his anxiety'. Alright? He has me for that, and he doesn't need his ex getting mixed up in his life again. Especially because you're the ex that he wouldn't even mention to me, because he was heartbroken over you."

"But that's just it, I'm his ex!" Exasperated, Maya let out a sigh. "We aren't together, and we're not getting together! Look, you and him were already fighting at The Dot. I didn't cause that between you. Maybe you have some…things to sort out. Like maybe not lying to him about how to stop a panic attack?"

"Lying to him?" Esme's brow furrowed in confusion that seemed almost genuine, her eyes going wide. "Why on earth would I lie to him about something as serious as his anxiety attacks? God Maya, I know I'm no saint like you, but I would never steer him in the complete wrong direction."

There was a glint in Esme's eyes that Maya felt a bit unsettled by, and she realized she didn't want to stand around and talk about her ex boyfriend's new relationship. It didn't feel like her business, and it seemed as if it was something that the two of them would need to work out themselves. Luckily, a distraction came in the form of Miles as he started around the corner, walking up to the two girls. "Hey…everything okay?"

As if on cue, Esme burst into tears as her eyes moved to Miles's. "No, it's not actually." Sniffling in a very genuine way, she moved close to the boy and pressed her head up against his chest, letting out more tears. Shifting her gaze a little, Maya's eyes narrowed. While the sobbing sounded extremely convincing and Esme was sniffing worse than ever, there was no trace of wetness or actual tears coming off onto Miles's shirt.

Rolling her eyes, Maya turned on her heel and walked away. She heard Esme offering some sort of long explanation to Miles, and heard his small murmurs of comfort. She felt a little stabbing in her chest that didn't have much to do with anxiety, glancing backwards at the two. She wouldn't have minded if Miles was in a happy relationship, or at least a truthful one. The fact that he was being lied to made her angry- especially after his debacle of a relationship with Tristan. She always had a feeling in the back of her mind that Tristan wasn't any good as a boyfriend to Miles, and once he showed his true colors, she knew he was right.

Her brow furrowed a little as she walked into the music room, whipping the folder with some of her music in it out of her bag and setting it on a music stand. Puffing out a short breath, she reflected on what Esme had said. One particular phrase really stood out to her among the others- the fact that Miles was apparently 'falling for her.' The blonde knew this couldn't be true. He seemed plenty into Esme, she mused- or at least into her enough that he was going to stay with her. She supposed that this situation was a bit like the one with Tristan- the boy had always suspected that Miles was still in love with Maya. That his feelings for her had never quite gone away.

But Tristan was right, she thought, chewing on her bottom lip. Out of the many things that came out of his mouth, that may have been one of the only key points that were correct. But that was back then, and this was now. Miles was clearly and transparently not in love with her and she wouldn't worry herself with it if he was. As if he had heard her thoughts, she once again spotted Miles Hollingsworth entering the music room that week.

The blonde's brow furrowed, looking up from her half-finished song. "Miles?"

"Maya, I…sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you" Miles spoke casually, but his eyes had shifted behind him to where Maya was sure Esme was standing in the hallway and waiting for him. "Why didn't you wait up?"

"Why didn't I…oh, well you and Esme were talking. You kind of looked busy." She quickly brushed some hair behind her ear and took a step away from the music stand, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm kind of in the middle of something though-"

"No worries then, this will only take a second." He nodded in understanding. "So I was wondering whether you would possibly be interested in doing a gig at someplace I know?"

Maya was completely taken aback, expecting something completely different out of his mouth. She opened her mouth once and closed it again before raising an eyebrow. "Someplace you know? So- is this place gonna be sketchy?"

"Well I highly doubt it, you'll be safe enough there" he replied.

"How do you know?"

"Because it's at my house." He grinned slightly at her embarrassed expression, knowing that this wasn't at all what she expected. Maya felt a small jolt as he smiled- she hadn't seen that expression on him since last semester. Unfortunately, the boy looked as tired as ever but clearly was not making a show out of it.

"What, so you're my manager now?" Her lips curved into a small smile, the words only playful. She was grateful that he was getting her a gig.

"Eh, Manager has kind of a stuffy title to it. I'd prefer Supervisor or Controller- something fancy like that." He also crossed his arms against his chest, stepping forwards as he kept his eyes on her. "So what do you say?"

"I ah…yeah, I'm not exactly sure." She cringed in a playfully way before looking back up at him. "If this is one of your mom's five-hour-long dinner parties, I might need to skip out."

"Aren't you a cello player?" He let out a small chuckle of amusement, his eyes still locked on hers. "I would have thought you're pretty good at classical music. That would hurt my poor mother's feelings- she'd have to hire a professional when she can get someone just as good. But uh, no. It's not a dinner party. I'm throwing it."

She rolled her eyes playfully. "Well I'd have to play classical music, and I'm in a rock band currently. I wouldn't want to give everyone a heart attack if I started playing my usual songs." Pausing, she hesitated. "So practically the whole grade is going to be there?"

"Well, no. Underclassmen too. Why, does that bother you?"

"No, no, not at all!" She smiled eagerly, excitement clear in her eyes. "That's even better! The band needs experience with larger audiences, and who better to test it out on than the entire school?"

"That's certainly taking a gamble. I'm sure your music is great, but the whole school is judgemental."

"So why do you invite them to your parties then, just to fill up space?"

"Exactly right." He nodded his head, averting his eyes a little as he stepped back. "The party's happening tomorrow night, so you'd better get your band moving. It starts at eight."

"Wow…thank you so much, Miles." She smiled in gratitude, already working in her head what songs they were going to play and how long the band would be playing for. The anxiety she had experienced without her pills the last week already seemed very far away. "By the way…I just kind of wanted to check up on you. Are you okay after what happened at The Dot?"

Miles took a long breath, glancing back at Esme who was still waiting for him in the hallway before rubbing his arm slightly. "Good, good. Great, I have never been better. I uh, I feel a lot more settled recently."

"You do know that I can tell when you're lying, right?" Maya sighed earnestly, uncrossing her arms. "Look, I'm not going to pester you again and again about it, or give you another lecture. I just know that things must be hard for you right now, and I wouldn't mind giving you a hand in any way I can."

"Of course, how could I slip off the radar of Maya Matlin? I'm starting to think that you're some sort of mind reader." He wasn't saying this with an underlying bitterness like he had he other day- in fact, he sounded a bit relieved that someone was checking up on him. "I don't know how I feel to tell you the truth. I'm tired. Going through a lot of withdrawal symptoms." He took a slight breath and glanced once more back towards Esme.

"Am I keeping you from your girlfriend?" Maya was genuinely concerned, not wanting to get in the way of the two of them. It would definitely cause Esme to dislike her even more, and she didn't want to separate Miles from her if he wanted to stay.

"No, no." Miles waved this off, looking slightly distressed. "She's not even my girlfriend, I just said that. The two of us- we talk, we kiss. She gave me pills and I repaid her with more kissing" His eyes drew up to Maya's once more, not abashed at admitting this to her. He had never been a secretive person about relationships with others. "But I don't think that qualifies as a girlfriend."

As Maya glanced back down the hallway, she no longer saw Esme and assumed that the girl had went to class. She hesitated, before crossing the room and shutting the door. "Do you wanna talk more about how you feel then? Unless you want the door to be open."

"I'd rather not have the whole school piece together how much of a fuckup I am, thanks." He smiled slightly with regret in his eyes. "Although I know what most of them think of me…pyromaniac or something. Just because of one accident."

"Okay, well you and I both know that's crap." Maya shook her head and crossed the room, taking a seat on the ledge that was usually used to perform on. Miles followed her, lowering himself down next to her.

"I just figured talking is better than…what Esme has to offer me." His jaw was tight and his eyes betrayed some of the fear he must have been going through with the withdrawal. "I know I don't want to talk, I'm not one to talk about this kind of stuff. No one listens. It's a lot easier to wash a couple pills down your system and let that do the trick. Sometimes I feel so messed up that it's almost natural." He gestured his dissent with his hands. "But I can't."

"Well popping things is easier, but now because of that, you're dealing with all of the withdrawal. Besides- this is a judging free zone. I swear I won't give you a lecture or anything…I just want to know how you feel." The blonde propped her arms up on her knees, her head turning so she could watch Miles as he tried to articulate his thoughts into proper words.

"I…I'm anxious. All the time. That's why the main bit feels like I'm tired. Emotionally drained because of all the over thinking, and the thoughts that keep me awake at night. I'll look at the clock and it's three in the morning. I've been thinking about this stuff that drives me crazy until three in the morning. Am I a masochist? A glutton for punishment or something?" He scraped his shoe on the floor, not looking at Maya.

"No way. If you're feeling anxiety, that's pretty much a qualification. I would always try to sleep, but thoughts kept popping inside of my head. It's weird- I always occupied myself for so long with all of the terrible thoughts. I let them control me when I could be controlling them. That's what you need do to, Miles. Realize your self-worth a little." After a pause, she tightened her grip on her arms. "What exactly keeps you up at night?" She suspected it had a lot to do with his family, but didn't want to put words in his mouth.

"Being honest? My dad." He raised his head a little and looked at her, his eyes weary. "I thought I'd stop being scared when he finally left the damn house, but it's only gotten worse. It's like I'm waiting for him to pop up again, try to force his way back into my life with some stupid apology or another priceless gift. God, the gifts are the worst." He fumed silently as Maya watched him. "My mom is making me see him again. Forcing me to sit at a table and try to make casual dinner conversation with the cause of all of this."

Maya's eyes filled with concern, feeling small stabs of sadness in her heart as Miles revealed to her what he must not have revealed to anyone before. The worry lines in her face were prevalent, especially because she knew what it was like to live in fear because of one person's actions. While Cam couldn't exit her mind, Miles's dad was alive and well, pushing his way towards forgiveness that the boy didn't have in him. "Don't show up."

"What?" He was confused for the first time, his eyebrows pushing upwards. "You know my mom, always trying to mold me into the perfect son that she's never had."

"But you said yourself, you're not perfect. You have problems, and you can't spend time with the cause of them. Please, just tell your mom." Maya dug her heel into the floor.

"Just like that- tell her?" Miles blinked a little and stared ahead, almost as if he was considering this advice.

"No one can be a perfect son" she responded, shaking her head. "You'll drive yourself crazy pretending to be one."

"So act as the disappointment child? They already see me as that."

"No, act like yourself" Maya countered, shaking her head. "You don't have to go to those stupid dinners, you just feel obligated to, right?"

"Correct." Miles was still fuming a little. "But that's not even it, I'm-I'm making this about myself. Frankie and Hunter, I couldn't step aside and allow them to take the punches. That's what I'm afraid of, it keeps me up at night all the time. When I wasn't around, my dad pushed them around too. I don't think he's ever really hurt them, but I know. I know he would have."

Maya scooted a little closer to him, tentatively placing her hand over his. His own hand was very cold, but he accepted the warmth that hers brought.

"Miles.." She looked up at him. "Your brother and your sister are safe. Those are just those bad thoughts in the past coming back to haunt you, I promise. I even saw Hunter today, he looked like he was reenacting some kind of video game battle with his friends."

He turned to her, fear in his eyes. "What if he hurts me again?"

"He's not going to." She shook her head firmly.

"How am I supposed to get out of the family dinners? There's one tonight, and I've been up the wall today thinking of the damn hypocrisy of it all."

Maya hesitated. "You could come home with me?"

Miles looked at her with stifled temptation, his hand twitching slightly under hers. "And do what, tell your mom I'm hiding out from a family dinner?"

"Well since you're so tired…you can sleep? We don't even have to talk about it anymore, you can just come over and get some rest. Besides, my mom's housed a delinquent for months. She can take you for a night." She offered him a small smile.

"Since this offer is up for grabs, I think I'll be taking it. Your house is so peaceful…kind of quiet compared to mine, but you don't have twin siblings. Or terrible parents."

"I'm kind of glad too" she admitted. "You really look like you could use some sleep. I also had some Zig stuff to take care of, but I'm more than happy that it's been postponed." She quickly stood up and walked over to the music stand, collecting her papers and beginning to push them back into her bag. "So you drove to school, right? That way you can drive me home."

Miles, who had been staring at her with his mouth slightly open, seemed to come to his senses. "Right, yeah. I'm just not exactly used to you riding in there."

"Well the last time I rode in your car, you did take out someone's car door in your path" she teased, slinging her backpack over her shoulder. "So sleeping, and…I'll feed you some homemade food. Sound good?"

"Sounds great."


	9. Chapter 9

On the way to her locker, Maya ran into Zig. It wasn't very strange to see Zig roaming the halls while class was still in session, but Maya was practically the opposite. She wasn't nearly as anti-rule breaking and class-cutting as she was the last year, but she had missed a lot of class because of her anxiety and wanted to keep pushing herself. Any situation that gave her anxiety she would thrust herself into at full speed- otherwise nothing would change for her.

Spotting her out of class, Zig's eyebrows shot up. "Maya, hey. What are you-what are you doing? I kind of figured you'd be in class right now listening to Perino's boring lecture."

Maya's eyebrows knitted together slightly at his words, taking a glance at her own schedule to make sure she had heard him right. "I don't even have Mr. Perino this period. Zig, are you okay?" She gave her boyfriend a once-over and realized he looked a little frazzled. "Wait, you're not cutting class again, are you?"

"Um…nope." Zig told her this in a would-be convincing tone, but Maya didn't buy a second of it.

"You are. Look, I don't have time to write songs, prepare for a gig and do my own work while I'm helping you. Why don't you go back to class, show up a little late?" Maya sighed quietly.

"Yeah, it's kind of too late for that." Zig glanced down the hallway fervently before his eyes landed on Maya. "What're you up to then? You don't cut class with people who aren't me."

"What do you call Grace and Tiny then?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Well yeah, but they're my friends too. If they wanted to ditch or something, they'd let me in on it too." Zig's expression remind curious, clearly wanting more of an explanation from Maya besides the silence to compensate for her thoughts.

"Yeah, I…I am cutting." Maya didn't see anything wrong or unfaithful about taking Miles home with her, but she wasn't sure how to explain the whole situation to her boyfriend without him taking it the wrong way. There was a nagging feeling in the back of her head that made her feel as if she was doing something wrong, but that could have just been the fear of telling Zig. "So, I actually kind of wanted to talk to you about something."

"Can it wait?" Zig continued to look around fervently, probably looking around for any teachers in the hallways. They knew his route around the school fairly well and he was notorious for class cutting. "I'm kind of in the middle of something right now."

"Right, well I wouldn't want to stop you from taking a trip down the hallways for three periods." The blonde rolled her eyes and opened her locker, grabbing a couple of journals and tucking them into her bag. "You clearly have a lot on your mind. I can't really talk to you later, I have other things I'm doing. How about…you're going to Miles's party, right?"

"No." Zig shook his head, wrinkling his nose slightly at the mention of his former rival. "I've got better things to do than hang around his stupid pool and drink punch that's got enough alcohol in it to poison the water supply."

"You're not coming?" Maya's lips twisted into a frown. "I'm playing there, this is a really big gig opportunity."

Zig rubbed the back of his neck apologetically, shaking his head. "I'm sorry…something big came up and I need to be there."

Maya, who was used to him wanting to spend the majority of his time with her, was a bit taken aback. Shrugging, she sighed and turned to look at him. "What came up?"

"Just stuff. Job opportunity." He looked back at her, apologies in his eyes.

"Wait, you're applying for a job?" Maya's eyebrows shot up in surprise and she couldn't help the small surge of pride she felt in her stomach. She would always care for Zig, and it made her happy when he accomplished something. Unfortunately, he was acting as if there was nothing problematic about his behavior when they had gotten intimate. "That's great, Zig…but I really need to talk with you. After you get your job sorted out, you need to listen to what I have to say."

"Sure, whatever, that's fine with me." He nodded his head and leaned down, pressing his lips to hers in a hurried kiss. "Good luck with the gig, okay? You'll knock them dead."

Maya smiled, pulling away and squeezing his shoulder lately. "I'll tell you all about it."

It wasn't until Zig was around the corner that the smile slid off Maya's face automatically, replaced with a very pinched frown. He was acting like nothing had happened…like he hadn't just tried to force herself on her not too long ago. She knew Grace had been right. That was assault, it couldn't be right for a boyfriend to do to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she would have to wait until after Miles's party to mention this information to Zig and possibly get away from him. It was a difficult decision. Zig did mean a lot to her and the two went back a long way. There were just as many good memories behind them as bad, and this was hard to leave behind. Zig was comfort and familiarity and normalcy in a way. She could pretend that she was extremely taken by Zig- that was what she had promised she would do- fake it until she made it.

Maya had always assumed that the feelings would follow into their relationship, ones that she had to have for Zig. It made all of the sense in the world to be taken with him- he was attractive, protective, tough, funny…but those had been all of the reasons that she had wanted to be his best friend. It sounded almost too good to be true- two best friends in love, conquering everything together. She had to remind herself with the nagging voice in the back of her head that she had gotten with Zig initially because she was lonely. Ever since Cam had left her behind, the blonde had suffered from extreme codependency issues and found it very difficult to be alone with her thoughts. She literally had no one else to go to. Cam was long dead and Miles was far away from her before she had even considered giving Zig a change. Even in the early stages of the relationship, there was always a very uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach that she was pushing something that wasn't altogether genuine.

Her thoughts unintentionally wandered towards Miles as she thought about how their relationship had fallen apart. She would have never gotten with Zig, he would have never tried to force himself on her…why did she and Miles split up again? It hadn't been the picturesque relationship she had wanted after losing Cam, but she never had to fake a single feeling or hold any of her emotions back when she was with him. She fell deep and hard and was incredibly vocal when it came to what she wanted. It was only until the scene in the courtroom washed back into her head in painfully tinted color did she snap out of her thoughts. This wasn't happening anymore. Zig was who she had.

She jumped a little as Miles turned the corner, his bag on his shoulder and his keys in his hands.

"Jumpy much?" He raised his eyebrows lightly, adjusting his bag. "For someone who sneaks up on people all the time, you really don't like being snuck up on. Got everything you need?"

Maya nodded her head, rolling her eyes at his comment. "I do not sneak up on people, you know. I think that's just you over exaggerating things again."

"Nah, you locker stalk." Miles's lips twisted into a slight smile as they fell into step, exiting the building. "I'm kind of glad I'm with you. None of the teachers suspect you cutting, so we can just walk out the doors."

"I'm flattered." She pursed her lips sarcastically but was glad to see him being more lighthearted after their discussion in the band room. In her own experience, she would have done the same thing had it been her venting about Cam- dwelling on the sadness was useless.

"Yeah? I don't know if I'm very flattered by your locker stalking. Every time I slam mine shut and I see you, I know I'm in trouble."

"Will you stop with the locker stalking? How are you intimidated by someone half your height?"

"You're scary when you're angry." Miles shook his head, his lips still twisted into a smirk. "I can't really explain it. You seem so soft and sweet, but you turn into an over aggravated tea kettle or something when you're mad."

She couldn't help but burst into soft laughter, her eyes darting upwards to meet his. "Stop, I'm warm and fuzzy. I promise."

"Ah, but that could just be a cover. You act cute and cuddly, but you're secretly waiting to kill half of the school by heart attack from showing up at their lockers unexpected."

"If you talk about that locker stalking one more time-"

"You'll what?" He silently challenged her, pausing for a moment.

"I'll lick your keys."

"You're disgusting." He snorted and drew his keys back into his pocket.

After the short drive from Degrassi to Maya's house, Miles's car was parked in her driveway and she was leading him into her house for what was far from the first time. Sure, half of his entries into her house had been in secret and through her window, but she was experiencing a sense of deja-vu. It was strange to see him in her house again. Not as a boyfriend, not as just an 'ex', but as a friend.

Miles seemed to be thinking along the same lines as she was, because he raised his eyebrows after she had shut her door. "So uh, your mom isn't here?"

"Nope, she's still at work." Maya nodded matter-of-factly and walked over to the kitchen table, placing her bags on one of the chairs. "Why, do you want her to be here?"

"Not particularly…" He pursed his lips together and shook his head. "After all, this is still ditching class- even if it's for a good cause. Your mom would probably think I put you up to it, and I would become 'Miles the bad influence' once more.

Maya rolled her eyes and slipped off her thin coat, walking over to him. "Okay, are you seriously going to talk that way after I told you that you're anything but a bad influence? If I want to skip, I'll skip. If I don't, I won't."

"And if you're going to skip, please make it be because I need sleep" he responded. His tone was sarcastic, but she knew that he was grateful.

"Any reason why you can't sleep well at home?" Maya slid her hands into her back pockets and raised her eyebrows curiously. "I can't see why being here would be any better. Like- I used to have bad dreams all the time. I was in the middle of a slumber party at Grace's, and I woke up screaming. I scared the crap out of everyone there."

Miles let out a small breath of laughter, giving her a once over as if he almost couldn't believe the story she had shared with him. "Ah- yes. Well that could be bad if you're having a slumber party. You wanna know why I like it here better? It's quiet."

"And I promise I'll be quiet too if you need to sleep."

"Seriously?" He raised an eyebrow in question. "Don't you play fifty instruments when you're at home- hang around in your music studio all day to record songs?"

She let out a laugh, rolling her eyes. "Where do you think I could possibly squeeze a music studio in my house? It's pretty small."

"I like that about it." He responded almost instantly. "It's cozy. Comforting. More closed in from…everything else going on. With my house, it's like a damn factory or something. Whoever said 'home is where the heart is' must have had things pretty easy."

Maya couldn't relate- while she had her own respective problems, the one thing she did have was a loving family. No matter how badly she screwed up or what mistake she had made, her family would always be ready to defend her- or be her shoulder to cry on. "Yeah, well- the Matlins are a strong bunch. Our home is no mansion, but it's what we've got. And uh, not all Hollingsworths suck."

"Try 'The vast majority of them suck'" He replied sardonically. "You honestly can't enjoy my company that much to invite me over. I know you've never done anything for me out of pity, but…I can't help but think one day you'll change. Everyone else disappoints."

"Well, that can't be true." She walked briskly over to the fridge and opened it up, looking around for something to quench her thirst. She spotted some juice and shrugged her shoulders before beginning to pour some. "What about Tristan? Esme? Winston?"

"No, probably not, and I'll get back to you on that one" he smiled a tight-lipped smile and she knew he was being serious.

"Even Winston, your best friend?" She straightened up and took a sip of her juice. "I thought he was kinda supportive and stuff."

"Not with the weed intervention" he reminded her.

"No, not with the weed intervention." She nodded her head in agreement. "But how can you call him your best friend if he isn't helpful?"

"He is helpful" he replied shortly. It wasn't until he looked down at Maya before he knew he needed to elaborate. "But like I said, I don't want things done for me our of pity. I despite it."

"I despise all of these people treating you like shit" she commented vaguely. It wasn't until Miles's eyebrows had shot up that she realized she had said something strange. "What?"

"You swear?" His lips curled into a small smirk. "How could I have missed out on this information?"

"Well- sometimes I do, especially when I'm frustrated." She shrugged her shoulders, letting out an embarrassed laugh. "I'm sure I don't have quite the vocabulary that you must know though."

"That would be correct" he responded, nodding his head. She couldn't help but notice his face more prominently in the light, scanning over the deep circles under his eyes. It made him look as though he had missed out on more than just a couple nights of sleep.

Sighing, she returned the juice to the fridge. "Okay, you were right. You seriously look like one of those people who are going for the longest 'no sleep' records."

"Ouch." He smiled slightly and rubbed the side of his face, nodding his head in agreement. "I seem to have aged ten years overnight. Help me take them off a little?"

"Of course." She held out her hand and he looked at it a moment before grasping it. Maya led him upstairs and opened the door to her room, leading him inside. She supposed it had changed a little since he had last seen it, but it was still very much Maya. Various pictures of her and her friends, Katie, and music-related gigs hung up on her walls as memories. A couple of her instruments, band equipment, song lyrics, and accessories were lying on the floor as if they had just been disrupted. Her colorful wardrobe was on full display in her open closet, and there were various crumpled up pieces of paper on her floor of songs she didn't like.

"I feel like I just stepped into the lair of a tortured artist." Miles looked around appreciatively. "A very talented one at that. You also have a very interesting selection of stuffed animals."

Heat rose to Maya's cheeks involuntarily as she mentally cursed herself for leaving her animals on display. It wasn't like she really used them anymore, but there was nowhere else to store them at the moment. "Stop teasing and start sleeping" she responded, scowling.

She heard him laugh as she walked over to her mirror, glancing at her appearance and trying to come to terms with the fact that Miles was inside her house for what was the first time in months. It was a strange occasion, that bit she knew. Turning back to him, she smiled brightly. "I'll be downstairs if you need anything. For right now, just take my bed and feel free to cuddle any of my stuffed animals if you get cold."

"What an adorable idea. I think I'll pass." Miles sat down on her bed, pulling back the silk sheets and raising an eyebrow in wonder. "You're really letting me sleep in here? I'm a guy, I'll mess it all up."

"Do you not see all of the paper thrown around my room? I'm not exactly prim and proper with the way my room looks." She let out an amused laugh, glad to see that he was finally going to get some much needed sleep. Walking over to the bed, she slipped her hands into her back pockets once more. "Okay, so I'll be hanging out in the living room if you gain consciousness anytime soon and when you want some food."

He gave her a small smile, gratefulness evident in his eyes. "You're incredible, you know that? You cut class without missing a beat just for what- just so I could come over to sleep. I don't think there are many Maya Matlins out in the world, so I'm lucky to have met one."

Touched, Maya smiled in appreciation. It felt good that Miles seemed genuinely okay for a moment. He was a little bit of himself again, and the fact that her sacrifices didn't go unnoticed around her spoke volumes about how much he truly respected her. "Shush, it's nothing, really. Have a good sleep, okay?"

"I think I'll be okay here."


	10. Chapter 10

Maya had been practicing her cello for quite a long time in the living room. She had made sure to play very slow melodies, ones that Miles probably couldn't hear while he was lying upstairs in her bed- but on the off chance that he could hear them, they would probably put him back to sleep. There was a certain soothingness about the instrument that comforted Maya without any words or lyrics having to be said to accompany it.

She had seen how exhausted he had looked when he had lied down to rest, but it had been a handful of hours and her mother was going to be home soon from work. Mrs. Matlin didn't approve of Maya missing classes, but would allow her to miss a day every once in awhile if her anxiety was particularly hard to handle. Unfortunately, she didn't think that having Miles over to sleep was a particularly good excuse. Even in her head, the excuse sounded a bit lame. It hadn't been lame to Maya though. As long as Miles was happy and healthy, there would be nothing to worry about. She understood more than anyone about how badly sleeplessness could affect a person. She had remembered the days the last year where she wouldn't sleep for days at a time, her mind wracked with dreams of high ledges. It had been a despairing, messy and extremely confusing time.

Gently placing her cello bow down next to the large instrument and leaning it against the wall, she got up and made her way upstairs. She didn't mind having Miles over for as long as he needed, but Maya didn't make the rules or the decisions of the house. She knocked on the door, listening.

"I'm up, I swear." Miles's slightly muffled voice rang out from the room and the blonde quickly flung open the door, walking inside. He looked extremely groggy from his sleep and his hair was plastered to his forehead, but also well rested. Tentatively taking a seat on the edge of her bed, Maya pursed her lips.

"Do you know this is the first time in awhile that I've seen your eyes without bags under them?" She was smiling, but kept her eyes on his earnestly.

Miles put his head down and rubbed his face, blinking as he continued to wake up. "Now that I don't doubt. I haven't had a good sleep in…weeks. Maybe a month. Maybe it's something about the environment in here, but I slept like a baby."

"Noted" Maya commented, laughing softly as she watched him sit up more. "There's only one problem."

"What?"

"Well, you're probably gonna be up all night since you got so much sleep during the day."

Miles made a face and shook his head, one of his hands gripping the covers as he pulled them to the side. "Don't worry about that ever happening. I can never get sleep at my house. The silence is murder, but the yelling was bad too."

"Are you sleeping at all during the night?" Maya's concerned eyes stayed locked on his, making sure he was being truthful. Miles often lied when he was too stubborn to ask for help from anybody, but she saw right through it.

"Honestly? No. Not at all." He spoke, shaking his head. "It's too bad though, I think I've messed up your attendance record. You should really let Simpson hear your excuse- you invited me over so I could sleep."

Maya rolled her eyes, scooting further down on the bed so she could sit comfortably. "Uh huh. Maybe you should tell him, since you're such a regular down at the office."

"A regular?" Miles smirked mockingly. "Oh, so you think I'm some kind of troublemaker now? I can assure you, I'm an angel." They both laughed and he shook his head, completely aware of how ridiculous the statement sounded. "It's strange though- I have to wait outside Simpson's office for a good thirty minutes to get scolded by him."

"Ooh, a whole thirty minutes? How did you ever survive?" Maya laughed easily, realizing that it almost felt normal to talk to Miles like this again. They had been friends while they were dating and close after that, but she would have never guessed that they would both be hanging out on her bed and talking just like old times. "You know, they should really make an express pass or something for regulars, so you won't have to be kept waiting for so long."

"Express pass to the Principal's office, now that would be a perfect piece of evidence for my parents to send me back to boarding school. It'll be a job finding one that'll take me with my record, though- two arsons."

"Well I would highly suggest showing that express pass to your parents then." Maya's smile faded a little, pushing her blonde curls behind her ears. "You know, you've had a lot of pressure on you for so long. You deserve to let go of some of that stress, if only for a little while." Struck by an inspiration, she continued. "You're having a party tomorrow night, right?"

"I'd hope I know the date of my own party, seeing as it was me who planned it." He let out a light chuckle, his eyes curious as to where this conversation was going. "Why, were you suggesting that we should go together or something? I think it'd be too much of an honor coming along with the Superstar of Degrassi."

Maya opened her mouth slightly, internally cringing. "Oh uh, yeah! Well- no actually. That's not what I meant, I mean I'm coming to the party with my band. We always hang out before gigs so we can get ready and make sure we have the song order down that we're going to play." She saw a flicker of what looked like disappointment in Miles's eyes and quickly plunged on. "But uh, I'm sure you could find someone to go with. Zoe?"

Miles's eyes widened, his face wrinkling with distaste. "You're not serious."

"Okay, okay. Stupid idea." She held her hands up, smiling slightly. She didn't want to suggest the next person on her mind, but figured that there might be a change that Miles would say yes. "What about Tristan?"

Miles sucked in a breath, averting his eyes from Maya. The laughter had died down a little from his eyes and his features seemed to sink into what looked like dissent. "No. I uh, I thought we might be friends again one day, but those days are gone." He looked back up at Maya, as if suddenly struck to continue on. "He wasn't right for me. I pretended like he was, like I was infatuated with him, but I couldn't be. It was easy to fake it when you weren't around, but when you are around…he's nothing to me."

Maya wasn't exactly Tristan's biggest fan after his unnecessary grudge against her because of Mr. Yates, but chose not to voice this. Miles bringing up his love for Maya that he held in the past made her stop a little, thinking about his words. He couldn't possibly still feel the same way about her. Looking back up at him, she chose her words carefully. "So…when you were with him, you were in love with…"

She couldn't do it, couldn't bring herself to say that he had been in love with her. Maya had no idea why it was difficult to bring up this topic- perhaps because the two had never talked about it, gained any sense of closure. She had shut him down at The Dot after his father had won the election, but that was hardly closure.

"Yes- I was." He seemed to have read her mind, his eyes still resting on hers as he watched her expression, probably for signs of repulsion or embarrassment. Maya wasn't embarrassed, and never had been. She had been flattered that Miles felt this strongly towards her in the past, but it hadn't been the right time and Cam was ever so fresh in her mind with all of the anxiety she was dealing with. She had needed to focus on herself- but that didn't mean she didn't feel anything towards him.

"Well I'm not sure I'll be going with Esme either." Miles shook his head, pausing a little at Maya's confused expression. "We're…friends, yes, but she's not really a party person. I have no idea what kind of person she is, to be honest."

Steering his thoughts back into a more positive territory, Maya took a breath and offered him a smile. "Well since you've been really stressed lately, how about you let loose a little at the party? You know, swim a little. Eat some food. Drink if you want to."

At this suggestion, he shrugged his shoulders but she could see a smile building up on his face. "Well I do know that your music will be amazing."

Flattered at the compliment, Maya flushed with pride. Few of her friends had really complimented her on her music, even while knowing how hard she worked and passionate she was about it. "Well, this is your chance for fun! Push the anxiety away for a little and put yourself out there. Sure beats lying around in bed." Her lips curved into a smile. "I mean, that's how I got my nerve back."

"How can there be so much strength in one little body?" He raised an eyebrow, glancing over at Maya, clearly looking impressed and a bit envious. Considering her idea, he nodded his head. "Maybe you're right. Hosting a party and disappearing into the house wouldn't exactly make me a warm host, would it?"

"Exactly, and greeting guests is basically mandatory" Maya reminded him, smiling encouragingly. "So- how about I join you after I finish playing? We both could use a little more fun. Anxiety is a serious killer of all things enjoyable."

"Do you actually have anxiety?" Miles looked mildly surprised. "But you have no problem talking to anyone, or going up onstage-"

"That's social anxiety," Maya reminded him.

"Right, yeah, but it's just so hard to imagine you suffering with that. You're so bright, you're like a ray of sunlight sometimes."

Maya smiled a little, shrugging her shoulders. "I'm not always sunny, despite what people think. It's just- for the majority of the time you've known me, all of the suffering I did was in secret. I guess that's what happens when you keep secrets though, eventually they come out."

His eyes meeting hers again, he paused for a moment. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, yeah, of course" was her immediate response, nodding her head and swinging her legs back and forth as they hit the comforter. This response was a lot easier than spouting out her irrational fears and anxieties. "I mean, I'm so over last year. I want to move on."

There was a pause. Then, smiling slightly, Miles broke the silence. "So you want to hang out, at the party?"

"Yeah, of course." She nodded her head. "Zig won't be there, and I've kind of missed just hanging out with you."

"So have I" he replied at once. "So what will this hanging out consist of? From what I remember, you're a pretty crappy swimmer."

Maya scowled playfully, picking up one of the pillows that was lying on her bed and hitting him with it. "I am not crappy, I just never got lessons. My older sister's the athlete, I'm the musician." Pausing, she considered. "Besides, I can still float in your pool without drowning- that's something. We can drink a little, my stress has been through the roof lately."

Miles's expression of shock at these words was almost comical, his mouth opening a little. "You drink?"

Laughing, Maya looked down. "Well uh, sometimes. I don't drink a lot or anything like that, but from time to time I can let loose a little. Don't like, tell anyone about that though. Especially my mom, she'd kill me."

"Your secret's safe with me." He barely stifled a smirk at this information, evidently having never pictured her drunk before. "Are you a lightweight though? I can always get you some beer if you can't handle anything with a higher alcohol content." Miles's tone was more mocking than helpful, and the blonde girl stuck her tongue out in response.

"No, I'm not a lightweight." She paused, her mouth shutting. "I'm a mean drunk."

"So am I."

Maya glanced over at him and couldn't help but burst into soft giggles, leaning her head to the side so it could rest on her shoulder as she swung her feet. "Oh, so you're nice when you're sober?"

"Nice as I'll ever be." His mocking tone matched hers, a smile twisting at his lips.

Maya's eyes widened slightly as she heard the front door creak open from downstairs, the familiar sound of her mother's crutches on the hardwood floor. Sitting up, she bit her lip nervously. "That's my mom…I didn't expect you to sleep this long. Is it already five?" She checked her clock and groaned quietly, sinking back down. "Great, we're busted."

"Ah, but you're forgetting how resourceful I can be" Miles reminded her, raising a hand. He crossed her room in a couple of strides before undoing the latch on her window and pushing it wide open. Glancing back at her, he smirked slightly. "I'll leave through the window. You get in bed, so it looks like you're the one who messed it up. Tell your mother you were sick or something."

Maya nodded quickly in agreement to this plan, quickly pulling out her comforter so she could slip underneath it comfortably. "You know, you really have to stop entering and exiting through my window" she reminded him. "One of these days, it's gonna be someone who isn't you."

"And I'm sure that will be a sad, sad day in the world of Maya Matlin" Miles replied, already slipping out of the window and closing it shut. Maya glanced at the window for a few moments, the simple deja vu of the moment washing over her. The last time that he had left through her window Maya and Miles had been together. It made her think of all of the purposes that he used to come over- more than half of the time it was just to spend time with her.

Turning over and away from the window in her bed, she buried her face in her pillow. Her head shot up a little, inhaling the scent that lingered there after Miles's departure from it. It definitely didn't smell like a girl. Maya quickly grabbed a bit of perfume from her bedside table and spritzed it on the pillow before lying back down again, although she regretted it- she kind of liked the smell of that cologne. She burrowed further into the mattress, enjoying the warmth Miles had left in her bed after sleeping there for hours. She was much smaller than he was, so she could lie comfortably in the patch of warmth- it was almost as if he was still there with her. Her memories backtracked a little, her mind flashing with images of his arms tight around her waist and his front comfortably resting on her back. She remembered the warm, comforting kisses he would press to her neck and the long periods of time where he would simply press his face into her hair. She had asked him on more than one occasion if her hair had been suffocating him, but he had always insisted. She could also remember other things- his hands tracing the curves of her hips, venturing places that she suddenly didn't want to remember him touching. It felt too strange- even though Zig and Maya weren't doing very well, he was still her loyal boyfriend.

Blinking a little, Maya averted her thoughts from these old memories and turned over once more so she was on the colder side of her bed. This felt better to her, normality sinking back into her veins. This wasn't the past anymore- she was with Zig, who she somehow never associated with any kind of warmth. This conscious thought brought her no comfort, but immense regret. She clocked the strange thoughts up to just being tired, figuring she had simply gotten another flash of deja vu.


End file.
